Raw

I'm on the most important journey of my life.

I'm at a pivotal point where I can choose healing or I can let Satan continue to attack me.

It's been almost two years since my world got turned upside down and I'm just now beginning to unwrap the situation. For two years I've delicately decided when and how to "deal" with my grief. Really when I feel it to be convenient or when I'm feeling inspired to "get better" or "be better".

Grief doesn't work that way. Grief is a moody, unexpected, all the time, in your face kind of emotion. I used to think it was something that was always in the back of your mind, but that you can return to normal life and deal with it when you feel like it.

When the reality is that grief affects every single move you make. Every conversation, relationship, decision, and emotion. Grief is the thing that if you don't confront it, it may slowly destroy you. {will destroy you...}

I have gracefully walked out the last two years strongly with a spiritually sound attitude and positive outlook.

Two years later, I can say that I am now in a more realistic and even more spiritual walk.

Grief is ugly.

I can tell you that a lot of people around me say that I'm strong, positive, put together, and even normal. But the truth is that I'm broken.

Brokenness is where God found me. It's where He can deal with me. It's where He can start.

I feel like I'm raw. The past two years has beat me over and over again with no break or chance to recover.

{I've been going back and forth and writing and editing this particular post for about 3 weeks because I didn't know how much and what I wanted to share. Because the truth is I don't even want to write it. But I'm even more scared of what will happen if I don't.}

So here I am. Broken. Raw. Hurt. Depressed. Sad. Mad. Constantly anxious. And everything in between.

I don't want Elwood to live in the shadow of my grief.

I think that's one of my biggest fears. That he will never have a normal life because of my grief. I know I'm not "normal" anymore but I don't want to inflict all of my anxiety on him.

Will you pray with us?

We need good listening friends that can bear some heavy weight. We need encouragement. We need prayers.

We're at a loss of where to go from here. We're seeking God like crazy; going to any measure it takes to know Him more deeply and to feel His embrace.

To be continued...

Running Wild

The past few weeks are one big blur.

I feel like absolutely nothing of substance has happened but that things have dramatically changed all at the same time. No earthly events have shattered apart and my days haven't shifted but things are different.

Emotions, my journey with the Lord, and my mind have all changed directions and a new season has begun.

I've gone through a lot of growth over the last couple years. First I went through a big change when I got married. Then I had a baby and lost a baby. That will definitely change you. Then I went through an emotionally hard pregnancy. And now I'm a "new" (but not new) mom and life is completely different. I'm no longer working (after 8 years) and yet I'm still pretty busy.

I've found myself to be strangely lonely. With my schedule being dictated by nap and bed times, feedings, and a tight budget I haven't been able to keep up with friends or go out and do things. I've been forced to hunker down at the house and truly be at home.

My idle hands (well, at least during nap time...) have given me a run for my money.

I'm so looking forward to the fall when I'm adding a couple things to my schedule and I'll be out of the house more often hopefully. 

I know that most moms will say that it gets easier when they get bigger and you are more accustomed to having children and learning how to get out. But the older Elwood gets the more I realize how much he needs his mommy and that I'm terrified to leave him.

This is a learning process and letting go of control and fear are definitely obstacles I'm going to try to overcome.

Elwood has been struggling with separation anxiety to the max and it of course hurts me just as much as it hurts him. I was reading and talking with our pediatrician and babies at this age don't understand that when you leave a room - you are simply disappearing to your baby. They don't know if/when you're going to come back. Ouch! It hurts my heart to even think about what goes through his mind when I leave the room or put him down at bedtime.

So for now the best thing I can do as his mommy is to limit time with "strangers", get him good rest with naps, and ride out this phase.

In the meantime I'm enjoying investing in our home, my marriage, my son, and my journey with the Lord. God is definitely trying my patience and teaching me grace through all of this. I'm so grateful for a God who prepares us for things in the future. I know that one day I will look back at this time and thank God for teaching me now and that I am more prepared for whatever comes along.

Parenting is one of the most selfless blessings.

It requires you to fully clothe yourself in His righteousness and His armor to be able to parent well. On my own accord I would be an awful parent. In my flesh sometimes I just want "me" time away from everyone and everything. But my spirit wills me to gently love my child effortlessly.

Oh, how the Creator loves us. He has shown me His humility and His kindness over the last few weeks more than I have ever experienced. I am so thankful.

Until next time...

This life

I'm sorry it's been a couple weeks since I last posted! It's been a hectic couple of weeks full of busyness and time with family. It's been so wonderful to spend time with the people I love the most.

Right now I'm up in bed taking some time to myself while my husband is laughing hysterically with his guy friends outside on the front porch. Kind of hard to write when I hear such boisterous laughter :)

I'm in week 26 with baby Elwood and I feel like it's flying by and taking forever all at the same time. I'm sure a lot of you mamas know exactly what I'm talking about. One day you feel like it was yesterday that you found out you're pregnant and others you feel like this pregnancy could possibly last forever.

I've been honing in on life lately and can't seem to get some thoughts out of my head. Right now I feel like I'm this precious time where I get to be so close to my loved ones and really experience and walk out life together. We've cried, laughed, played games, ate, and talked transparently. It's been the kind of moments that you want to just take a picture and hold on to it as long as you possibly can. Just a raw kind of life where things are very real and life seems so fragile and precious not to take with all the seriousness you can give it.

I only have this one chance to live life here on Earth and I am soaking up each day for what it is and learning so much about taking things in stride and grace.

This morning at church I just broke down in tears as I thought and looked around the room and was hit for the 100th (but it always feel like the 1st) time with how precious life really is.

I am such a fragile being. But God has so wonderfully been working and blessing me with this life. Showing me who He is and walking each step with me. Working in my family's life in such beautiful and mesmerizing ways that I just cry every time I even think about it. What grace and abounding love He has lavished on us!

Aiden reminds me of the fragility of life and how important it is to live and be present in each moment. Even as we prepare for Elwood's arrival, grief is as strong as ever. Celebrating holidays wondering what he would be like and what stage he would be in. Thinking about what foods he would have loved on Thanksgiving and what we would have bought him for Christmas. Telling him about the new baby coming into our lives and how we would need him to be a good big brother.

Grief is such a strange journey. As a friend of mine said so wisely tonight, "Grief is one of the strongest emotions." Such truth and boldness. Grief has a mind of its own. It's not like happiness, which is based on circumstances. Grief can hit you like a ton of bricks even when you are happy and sometimes it sneaks up on you when you least expect it. And most times, grief is a front-of-the-mind presence that you can coherently live with even though you feel like it's stock-piling every day you are without the one you lost.

It's not the kind of thing that you ever get over or get used to over time. It's just this thing that is always there that you have to continually walk with and learn its kinks. Unfortunately it's not something you can see coming or come down off of because it's always there doing different things. It brings out the most wonderful and the worst in ourselves. It knows us deeply.

I guess what I'm trying to say is I'm slowly realizing this thing called life makes me want to be focused and intentionally involved in every day. And that I want to learn how to see God more clearly through it.

I'll continue to write about this over the coming weeks as I see God stretching me and teaching me so much about it.

To be continued...

Grief of a different kind

Grief is a journey. Today marks a big milestone in our path -- One year since we had to say goodbye. So grateful for our mighty God, but still stricken with pain. Today we grieve.

Happy Birthday, Aiden.

Yesterday marked one year since I welcomed my sweet baby boy into this world.

After 40 very long hours of labor and an intensive c-section, I finally got to hold my baby and meet him for the first time. I will never forget when I heard him cry and Ben and I teared up and I got to see his screaming, new face.

The first moments I had with Aiden are unforgettable. After months and being 11 days overdue, I was more than ready to meet him. It's amazing how different babies are when they are born late because he was so alert and just waiting to listen and soak in the tones of our voices and to spend hours staring at us.

It was such an long awaited introduction.

Yesterday was a bittersweet day filled with many tears and few smiles but we are finding ways to remember and celebrate our son. We never thought that we wouldn't be able to give Aiden his first birthday party. And never did we dream that we wouldn't be singing to him.

Last night we baked Aiden's birthday cake and took time to remember him. I think it may be our tradition :)

But we got to celebrate that Aiden has been singing to Jesus for a whole year. We are so envious of him because he has the perfect party. He has a party that never, ever ends. And never has tears. And doesn't have pain.

I don't have a whole lot to say because we are still grieving and grief can leave you breathless.

We are continuing to take time to remember Aiden and to spend time together. This life is so short and I am not going to waste it without my husband by my side.

So until next year... Keep singing, Aiden. We love you SO much.

Why I hate Sundays

Before you start reading, I need to put a disclaimer out there.

*There are all of my feelings and thoughts and do not reflect my church, my friends, or my family. No one "made me feel this way", I just simply do. No one made me mad or did anything wrong, this is just how I feel.


For the past couple months, I have begun to really hate Sundays. Sundays put me on an emotional and spiritual roller coaster that comes crashing to a big, nasty halt. The kind that makes your back and neck feel weird and sore. The kind that takes your breath away and you end up sitting on a bench drinking a slurpee to regain composure before you decide to attempt the next one.

Satan doesn't like Sundays either. It's his favorite day to drive right over me.

Sundays involve going to church. At church I see all the people that supported and cheered me on during my pregnancy. The people that screamed and shrieked in excitement that Aiden was coming. The place that threw me a wonderful baby shower. The place I sang sweet songs to my baby in my belly as I swayed to the music. The place I felt God's presence in the context of community.

Now I go to church feeling like all eyes are on me. Feeling like everyone either feels sorry for me, confused for me, or just plain doesn't know how to think or feel. I either get ignored or get the polite "how are you" but you can tell in their eyes that they are scared to hear the answer. NOT THAT I BLAME THEM! I wouldn't know what to say either!

Because of the fact of the matter is... There are no right words.


I have cried every Sunday at church since Aiden passed away. The Lord overwhelms me with His grace, His strength, His conviction, and His truth.

On Sundays my mind slows down long enough to realize how incredibly crushed I am. So of course... I have a breakdown every time the music starts or I hear our pastor speak scripture over us.

And every Sunday I spill my heart out to God confessing all of my hopes, fears, concerns, doubts, and desires.

On Sundays I tend to get angry. I get angry at God for taking my son. I get angry at God for not blessing us with another child. I get angry at God that I'm not pregnant. I get angry at God when I think of all of the pain parents who lose their child go through. I get mad at God when I think about the fact that I'll never get to see Aiden play t-ball.

I get angry at God because I think we'll never have another child.

And then I put on some Biblical perspective and hear God speaking to me and pouring out His love and hope over me. So I surrender. I lay down my anger into His throne room and get lost knowing He is good and faithful and true.

I leave church encouraged, light-hearted, hopeful, and happy.

Then... I go out to eat and all I see are babies, babies everywhere.

Everywhere I turn is a family... a newborn... and I overhear conversation after conversation littered with baby talk and all I want to do is wear a sign that says, "I just lost my baby" so maybe they'll lighten up on the conversations that crush me.

Then I go home and I cry. I cry for the second time in one day and I ended up utterly exhausted. I cry because as soon as I put my heart out there for God to take, He makes me face all the things that hurt me the most. He guts the knife harder into my heart. And I want to crawl back into bed and wish I never had to see another Sunday again.

This may seem dramatic, but I can assure you... it is.


It is a drama-filled, satan-induced coma of heartache that I am SO over.

I don't want to hate Sundays anymore.

I don't want to hate going to church or out to eat or to the grocery store.

I don't want to try to protect myself from God when really He is the ONLY one that can protect me.

I want to be able to trust God.

I want to stop spending my Sundays crying when I should be resting in Him.

I want to see God change me and mold my spirit to lean toward Him.

Scattered

It's Monday morning and I am currently snuggled up in a blanket on our bed.


This morning I'm feeling so scattered. I can't remember priorities or beliefs or my foundation. Everything is shaken up. I heard about a family who lost their child this past week. My heart aches for them. I don't even know them, but I am suddenly thrown because I know their grief. I know their pain. I know what their life looks like right now and I cannot help but fall on my knees before the Father, interceding for them... praying for everything that they're going through right now.


This is not an "Oh, I stubbed my toe" kind of moment.


This is life when hurt isn't even the right word.


When the bottom falls out after you lose your baby, you cannot even see that up is even an option.


Something that I have learned is that the Lord is gentle. He lovingly and sweetly combs His fingers through my hair when I cannot even catch my breath. Jesus sings love, joy, and comfort over my sleeping and my waking. He stands in the gap where we have fallen.

Let the Lord speak this psalm over your heart today.

{For as high as the heavens are above the earth,
   so great is his love for those who fear him;  as far as the east is from the west,
   so far has he removed our transgressions from us.

  As a father has compassion on his children,
   so the LORD has compassion on those who fear him;  for he knows how we are formed,
   he remembers that we are dust.  The life of mortals is like grass,
   they flourish like a flower of the field;  the wind blows over it and it is gone,
   and its place remembers it no more.  But from everlasting to everlasting
   the LORD’s love is with those who fear him,
   and his righteousness with their children’s children—  with those who keep his covenant
   and remember to obey his precepts.

  The LORD has established his throne in heaven,
   and his kingdom rules over all.

  Praise the LORD, you his angels,
   you mighty ones who do his bidding,
   who obey his word.  Praise the LORD, all his heavenly hosts,
   you his servants who do his will.  Praise the LORD, all his works
   everywhere in his dominion.

   Praise the LORD, my soul.}

-Psalm 103: 11-22

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Come...

Six months ago my sweet Aiden was taken into Heaven. It was the most horrible day of my entire life.


What does that look like?


Well... yesterday I stayed in my PJs, didn't shower, cried a lot, didn't do anything and I laid in bed most of the day until Ben got home. Today, I woke up with Ben and am in a great mood... ready to take on the day and excited about what God is doing!


So the answer the question, what does it look like?


Every moment is different.


I honestly don't know what it looks like.


I'm probably just as confused as you are, if not more.


It's been a long couple weeks, which is why I have been absent from the blogging world. We've been in a tough spot. We've had a lot of friends and family have some really hard things going on and we ourselves have been struggling.


We're overwhelmed with finances, emotions, arguments, and chaos. We still don't know how to live and how to operate on a day to day basis. 


The days have become longer and things seem to be dragging along and I'm just here for the ride.


Here I am six months after my son dies and I can honestly say I still don't have anyone I can call and really tell them how I'm doing. It's been tough on me, it's been tough on our marriage, it's just been tough.


Yesterday Ben got home and found that I hadn't done anything and that I'd been upset all day. He had been that way a few days before and yesterday the LORD gave him some powerful words that switched my attitude pretty quickly.


When Ben and I got married, I was working two part time jobs and didn't even make enough money to pay rent. Ben was finishing his degree and was driving to and from Cookeville everyday. We were the definition of broke. We never paid a bill late.


Then in May I quit my jobs and Ben was still looking. We went 8 weeks without a paycheck and still, the LORD provided. After 8 long weeks, Ben was offered a job. Wow! We were thrilled.


If God was faithful to bring us through the desert of no finances and continue to provide for us, did we really think He was going to just stop?


Maybe it's time that I stop trying to get better, and I start leaning into God with everything (no matter how small it may seem) I have. It's been a long, long six months. The pain is still very real. I still miss my son each moment I breathe.


[Come, all you who are thirsty, 
   come to the waters; 
and you who have no money, 
   come, buy and eat! 
Come, buy wine and milk 
   without money and without cost. 
 Why spend money on what is not bread, 
   and your labor on what does not satisfy? 
Listen, listen to me, and eat what is good, 
   and you will delight in the richest of fare. 
 Give ear and come to me; 
   listen, that you may live.]


-Isaiah 55:1-3

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The results are in

After nearly six months, Aiden's autopsy report arrived.

We have been waiting and waiting and waiting. We've gone over every scenario in our heads, we've played the "What If" game hundreds of times, and I've had dozens of nightmares replaying that day. Sometimes I still wonder if anything could have changed what happened to Aiden.

The funeral director called me Monday morning to say that it had arrived and we could pick it up. So I called Ben and we decided he could leave work early so we could go by before they close. We pulled up at 4:35pm and found that they had closed early because of the storms.

Ugh!

That is A LOT to have hanging over your head for an entire day.

We called our pediatrician to see if he had heard anything. We called when we got home and it was about 5:15pm. The office was closed and I won't get into detail... but the lady on the after hours line was completely rude and said she would not let us speak with our doctor because the office is closed.

So we went home to wait...

Our dear friends brought us dinner and that helped to distract us. We laid down that night and just prayed for the Lord to give us patience.

I had dream after dream about Aiden all night.

Ben and I woke up and immediately got in the car to drive over the funeral home.

We walked in, got the form, and were shocked.

"Cause of death could not be determined."


WHAT?

After months and months and months... Nothing.

No closure.

No answers.

No place to put our anger.

Except for one thing.

It confirms what we already knew. This was 100% without a doubt THE LORD'S WILL.

For me as a human... it seems like it's just not enough. It doesn't satisfy me. It doesn't comfort me. It doesn't fulfill all my aching.

The Lord is good and faithful to His promises to uphold us. I know that God has the answers and that He just didn't want us to know them yet.

But because we're human, we want to know. I want to know. I want to understand.

God is helping me with my disbelief and my unsettledness.

Now all we can do is breathe. Live life. Grief well. And hold on to each other. And see God work.

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Get Over It

Two nights ago I sat down to spend time with the Lord. After a long weekend with friends, I was decompressing and trying to get refocused for the week.


I felt the Lord tell me to read John 16.


[Jesus saw that they wanted to ask him about this, so he said to them, “Are you asking one another what I meant when I said, ‘In a little while you will see me no more, and then after a little while you will see me’? Very truly I tell you, you will weep and mourn while the world rejoices. You will grieve, but your grief will turn to joy. A woman giving birth to a child has pain because her time has come; but when her baby is born she forgets the anguish because of her joy that a child is born into the world.  So with you: Now is your time of grief, but I will see you again and you will rejoice, and no one will take away your joy.  In that day you will no longer ask me anything. Very truly I tell you, my Father will give you whatever you ask in my name.  Until now you have not asked for anything in my name. Ask and you will receive, and your joy will be complete.]

John 16:19-24

I've seem to have put a certain expectation on myself. I feel that some of it is inflicted by society and some on my own. Either way - most of time if you have an expectation, you'll probably get disappointed.

I had this idea that after a certain point I wouldn't feel the pain anymore, but that I would just be joyful and appreciative of the time we got to spend with Aiden. But after months, the pain is still very real. I wake up in the middle of the night from scary and weird dreams, I cry often, he's constantly on my mind, he shows up everywhere!

After I read this, I was a bit more frustrated with myself. This idea of JOY... what does it even mean? The Scripture says the anguish of pain will be gone when the child is born. That's true! The labor pain is gone and far away once you get to hold that fresh, new baby.

But what about the anguish that returns after your baby is no longer living?

I've fought myself over and over again to try to understand this.

When do you ever stop caring for your children? When do you forget your children? When do you stop being a mom?

NEVER.

Never, ever would I get over this. There is no "getting over it" when it comes to your kids.

If you're a mom -- think of it this way: Would you just suddenly wake up one day and just forget that you have a child? Of course not!

I have to stop expecting myself to "get over this" or move on or whatever... You can't move on from your children.

Do I have to get out of bed everyday? Yes. Do I need to live life to the fullest and strive after God's will? Yes. Do I have to be happy?.... No.

Happiness is fleeting. It could change just by tripping over something.

I am working on JOY, the eternal happiness... the kind that is a deep feeling in your soul that calms and assures you that the Lord is good, even when you can't breathe.

[In the LORD I take refuge.
   How then can you say to me:
   “Flee like a bird to your mountain.
 For look, the wicked bend their bows;
   they set their arrows against the strings
to shoot from the shadows
   at the upright in heart.
 When the foundations are being destroyed,
  what can the righteous do?”
  The LORD is in his holy temple;
   the LORD is on his heavenly throne.
He observes everyone on earth;
   his eyes examine them.
 The LORD examines the righteous,
   but the wicked, those who love violence,
   he hates with a passion.
 On the wicked he will rain
   fiery coals and burning sulfur;
   a scorching wind will be their lot.
  For the LORD is righteous,
   he loves justice;
   the upright will see his face.]

Psalm 11

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This side of Heaven

Oftentimes I get this thought of what Aiden is doing in Heaven. I know the "Bible" answer. "He's worshiping God." But I want to know... Does he hear us when we talk about him? Does he know we miss him? Does he know how much we love him?

I struggle knowing that God taking care of my son. Does he cradle him the way he likes? Does he feed him when he's hungry? Does he snuggle him so he's not lonely?

These questions leave me lonely awake at night wondering if he misses his mommy and daddy. It's the kind of pain that we only experience on this side of Heaven.

“They are before the throne of God
and serve him day and night in his temple;
and he who sits on the throne
will shelter them with his presence.
‘Never again will they hunger;
never again will they thirst.
The sun will not beat down on them,’
nor any scorching heat.
For the Lamb at the center of the throne
will be their shepherd;
‘he will lead them to springs of living water.
‘And God will wipe away every tear from their eyes.’”

-Revelation 7:15-17

I am beyond comforted to know that not only does God take care of my sweet Aiden, but that He doesn't even have to, because in Heaven Aiden doesn't need to be held a certain way. He doesn't need to be fed. He doesn't need anyone or anything.

He is complete.

Although I ache everyday to change his poopy diaper just one more time, I am confident in God's kingdom and that one day Ben and I will join alongside Aiden to sing songs to Jesus.

I love you, baby.

We miss you so much.

Relapse

It's been a few days since I last posted for several reasons. We've had a busy week with lots of hours put in at work and we also had family in town.


The actual truth is that I feel that I've had a relapse in recovery. Earlier this week I got to spend some incredible time with God. I got to read and pray and study and write. I felt His presence and His voice. I was able to get down on my knees before Him.


Then we received a bill in the mail from the ambulance.


I don't even know why, but seeing Aiden's name on a piece of mail just made my blood boil. Then I opened it and the first thing it said was "I'm sorry for your loss." And at that point, something in me just switched. My heart started beating faster and my attitude went from ok to absolutely furious.


I hate the "aftermath". Bills, social security, birth/death certificates, insurance... blah, blah, blah. I thought we had taken care of all that. Apparently not.


For whatever reason, it struck a chord in me and I haven't been able to shake it since. The last few days I have been so angry and hurt and upset and sad. I feel like it's the day Aiden died all over again. I keep re-living it every morning.


Even as I'm typing this, I am so frustrated because the spell checker has Aiden's name underlined in red because it's not in their dictionary. I would love to punch whoever is in charge of the spell checker.


I'm in the middle of reading "Choosing to SEE" by Mary Beth Chapman. It is an amazing book. She is so honest and upfront about her and Steven's life. I love their story. It reminds me a lot of me and Ben's. They met and married young. They got pregnant right away. It's neat to read her point of view and be totally blunt with their struggles and crazy roller coaster of a life because we have much of the same story.


What hurts so much is that she is able to put it all together and she sees the big picture. Although I know what the big picture is and I could explain it detail by detail, I don't feel it right now.


I am so overwhelmed with grief and trauma that I can't even make myself go to work. I can't check people out and say "Happy New Year" when it's not a happy one for me. 


Ben said it so clearly. "I don't know how to move on." And I think that's exactly how I feel. I really don't know how to live life anymore. I go to work, pay the bills, watch tv, read books, hang out with family, see friends... But no one knows what's going on deep down.


I'm fairly certain that people think it IS time to move on for us. But it's not! It seems to only be getting harder as the days pass on and I'm starting to lose my breath. It seems like all of my friends have slowly faded away because it's time for them to continue living their lives, which is totally normal! But we can't do that. We don't know how. And the strange thing is... I don't know that anyone can even be here for us and help us live. What can they do anyway?


I'm struggling so much to socialize and see people. I don't even know what I want or need. All I know is tears right now. They just keep coming everyday and there is no way to stop them.


"Don't you know the sun will shine on you again? No matter how small the flame against the darkness don't you know the light will win?"

Blog #1

Written December 13, 2010

It has been 2 months since we lost our dear Aiden. Many of you have wondered how we are doing. This may be long, but I’m going to attempt to explain everything that has been going on with us.

I guess I’ll start with the beginning. I had a nearly perfect pregnancy. Aiden always had a very healthy and strong heartbeat, regular movements, and fully operating organs. There was absolutely nothing wrong with him. When I was eight months pregnant, I had a friend miscarry at 20 weeks and another deliver a stillborn very late in pregnancy. I was obviously shaken. A couple days later, I heard God tell me that there was something wrong with Aiden. I called Ben at work in tears and Ben stepped outside to talk with me. That night we spent hours praying over Aiden. We prayed for healing for him and that God would take care of him. We offered our son up to Him to do whatever He needed to. We told God that He had control.

We went in to be induced Friday, October 8th, 9 days after my due date. My contractions were steady and strong, but I was not dilating. They tried many different things to help me along in the process with dilation. By Saturday night, I was dilated 8 cm and getting closer to the big moment. Saturday night was the longest and most painful night of my life! I labored naturally throughout the process and by Sunday morning I was beyond exhausted and ready to have my baby. Sunday at 10:30am, the doctors came in and I was 9 cm but not progressing anymore. They decided to do a c-section. At that point, I knew that it was serious because it was in my plan to not have a c-section unless it was life or death. They immediately took me to the operating room. By 12:08pm, Aiden Heath Tennant was born! He was 8 lbs 8 oz and 21 inches long. Perfect, sweet, healthy baby boy. During my c-section they discovered his head was stuck in my pelvic bone so the operation took a bit longer than expected. I got back to my room and held Aiden for the first time at 2:00pm.

Words cannot express how incredibly amazing Aiden is. He looked up at me with his big, beautiful blue eyes and my heart melted. I told him how excited I was to finally meet him after waiting nearly 42 weeks! Ben and I, along with my family, spent that day totally enamored by Aiden’s presence. I never thought that any of our children would ever look like me, but Aiden was a little carbon copy of me. He had my hair, my eyes, my nose, my chin, our family ear hole, and the Buzza lips. But boy… His personality had Ben written all over it. He even slept in the same position.

Our hospital stay felt like forever. I was in the hospital a total of five days, of which I only slept a total of maybe twelve hours. Ben was the biggest help I could have ever had. He stayed right by my side every single moment. He changed Aiden’s diapers, he rocked him to sleep, he handed him to me for feedings, he got me food, he helped me change clothes, he took care of all the paperwork…everything. I don’t think people realize how big of a role husbands play in childbirth. I would have NEVER done it without him. I still look at Ben and wonder how he was able to take such good care of me without knowing anything about childbirth beforehand.

Tuesday morning the doctors got us ready for discharge. The pediatrician had seen Aiden three times and my doctors were impressed with how well I was recovering. By noon we were heading out of the hospital. It took us about thirty minutes to get home when normally it takes about fifteen because we wanted so badly to be careful in the car. We stopped by Kroger and got my prescriptions and some groceries. We got home by about 2:30 and Ben made some lunch while I fed Aiden and relaxed. We spent the afternoon letting Aiden sleep and we just stared at him. We sat in awe of his cuteness and talked about all the dreams and aspirations we had for his life.

That evening we had a couple friends over and I sat with Aiden on the couch and we just watched each other. I talked to him and kissed his sweet little cheeks. Ben and I gave Aiden his first bath and laughed at how much he loved getting his head rubbed with shampoo. We took the clamp off his belly button and all his hospital bracelets and anklets off.

At about 2am we decided to attempt to go to bed. Ben and I took turns rocking him to sleep. He still had his days and nights confused so he was wide awake. We all laid down at about 4:00am. I fed Aiden and we all fell asleep at about 4:30am. At 4:55am I woke up and asked Ben to take Aiden to his crib. When Ben picked him up, he realized Aiden wasn’t breathing. I immediately got up and called 911. The dispatcher gave me instructions for infant CPR and I relayed them to Ben as he performed CPR on Aiden. The ambulance was there in about three minutes. I ran down the stairs (although at that point I could barely walk because of the c-section) and met the paramedics to bring them upstairs. They brought Aiden down to the ambulance and Ben and I followed a cop to the hospital.

Ben and I screamed in tears on the way to the hospital praying for God to give Aiden breath and to revive him. We prayed that His will would be done and that He would give us everything we needed. We prayed for restoration for our son.

When we got to the hospital, it was only a few minutes before they brought us to the “counseling room”. As soon as she sat us down, I said to the nurse, “Aiden isn’t alive, is he?” She nodded her head. At that moment, my entire body went into shock and my heart dropped to the floor. I have never cried that much in my entire life. Ben and I at that point had no clue what just really happened. The next few hours are such a blur. We went and said goodbye to Aiden and prayed over him. We mourned over his body and made all the calls to family and friends. My mom and a few of our dear friends came the hospital.

Wednesday was the longest day of my life.

We went home from the hospital and were greeted by friends and family. I don’t even know why God chooses to bless us with such an amazing community of people that surrounded us. We received hundreds of texts, facebook messages, emails, phone calls, flowers, meals, cards, and visits.

It hit me and Ben Wednesday night what God had done. The night that we spent praying over Aiden when I was eight months pregnant was the night that God revived our son from the grave. We truly believe that Aiden was supposed to be a miscarriage. That night God heard our prayers and answered them by choosing to let us meet our son. He gave us three incredible days with our son. We never had to see him suffer or experience pain. My son never sinned. We never had to make hard decisions about his life. Aiden was perfect.

We spent the next few days completely immersed with community. Sunday night was Aiden’s memorial. God’s presence was so heavy that night. I felt so much restoration, healing, joy, and adoration of the King. We got to tell our story and share what God did. We got to praise the Creator, the Eloheim.

Written October 19, 2010

Aiden,

It’s only been six days since I held you, but somehow it feels like an eternity. I guess it’s because I love you so much that any moment without you sends chills down my spine. I can just see you staring Jesus in the face with your full effort half-smile.

 I know with each passing moment you are giving God glory and honor. I’m trying hard to do the same. Your papa and I are clinging so hard to your memories. I hope you know that we miss you every second. Right now we’re trying to figure out our next step in life. We still don’t know how to function without you here. We’re just praying for God to give us a clear vision and open doors to full time ministry.

Your life inspires us to seek His presence, especially because you are there with Him. I think this trial is not temporary, but a life change. You have changed the core of me. I will never be the person I was before you were inside of me. I cherish each second you were living on this earth. You made me a momma. Thank you for helping me grow with God in a way that no one else could.

Written December 27, 2010

What does it mean to lose a child? It goes against nature’s order, it breaks the parents’ hearts, it causes confusion, it changes everything.

I’ve been studying Genesis 22 and Abraham’s bravery. He took his son to God to sacrifice him. How on earth did he have that kind of courage? I can barely share the gospel, let alone give up my son willingly! God took Aiden from us in His timing. He didn’t wait for us. We prayed continually for God to have control over my pregnancy and his life, but I don’t think we knew what we were getting ourselves into.

God did NOT take Aiden because He needed another angel. God doesn’t NEED anything. He chose Aiden for reasons we as humans will never know or understand. I know that answer doesn’t satisfy parents who have lost a child, but it is solely God’s will.

Don’t get me wrong, I’m not disrespecting professionals or counseling or support groups, but ONLY GOD can heal.

Only God can give you comfort. Only God can answer your questions. ONLY GOD can handle your grief.

Don’t search for someone to say the perfect thing or give you the advice you need. God will take care of that. Yes, God is going to use people to speak to you and people to hold and support you; but if you depend on people instead of God you will be desperately disappointed.

When the Almighty God gets a hold of your attention and you listen to Him, your life will change. Your attitude, mindset, your marriage, your day-to-day activities. God will never let you be the same.

I’m at the point in my life where I am so filled with grief, confusion, and change I have no clue what to do. Even shopping at the grocery store is a challenge. I feel constantly watched and judged. I can see people’s wheels turning as they watch my every move and wonder how I’m doing and how bad I must feel.

Please don’t assume the worst. When you look at me, do not think of the pain. Think of the joy in the morning that the Lord brings us every day. He is mighty to save, ever-forgiving and faithfully loving. We are not in need of anything but Him. We are not just survivors, we are conquerors. He does not leave us unattended.