Come...

Six months ago my sweet Aiden was taken into Heaven. It was the most horrible day of my entire life.


What does that look like?


Well... yesterday I stayed in my PJs, didn't shower, cried a lot, didn't do anything and I laid in bed most of the day until Ben got home. Today, I woke up with Ben and am in a great mood... ready to take on the day and excited about what God is doing!


So the answer the question, what does it look like?


Every moment is different.


I honestly don't know what it looks like.


I'm probably just as confused as you are, if not more.


It's been a long couple weeks, which is why I have been absent from the blogging world. We've been in a tough spot. We've had a lot of friends and family have some really hard things going on and we ourselves have been struggling.


We're overwhelmed with finances, emotions, arguments, and chaos. We still don't know how to live and how to operate on a day to day basis. 


The days have become longer and things seem to be dragging along and I'm just here for the ride.


Here I am six months after my son dies and I can honestly say I still don't have anyone I can call and really tell them how I'm doing. It's been tough on me, it's been tough on our marriage, it's just been tough.


Yesterday Ben got home and found that I hadn't done anything and that I'd been upset all day. He had been that way a few days before and yesterday the LORD gave him some powerful words that switched my attitude pretty quickly.


When Ben and I got married, I was working two part time jobs and didn't even make enough money to pay rent. Ben was finishing his degree and was driving to and from Cookeville everyday. We were the definition of broke. We never paid a bill late.


Then in May I quit my jobs and Ben was still looking. We went 8 weeks without a paycheck and still, the LORD provided. After 8 long weeks, Ben was offered a job. Wow! We were thrilled.


If God was faithful to bring us through the desert of no finances and continue to provide for us, did we really think He was going to just stop?


Maybe it's time that I stop trying to get better, and I start leaning into God with everything (no matter how small it may seem) I have. It's been a long, long six months. The pain is still very real. I still miss my son each moment I breathe.


[Come, all you who are thirsty, 
   come to the waters; 
and you who have no money, 
   come, buy and eat! 
Come, buy wine and milk 
   without money and without cost. 
 Why spend money on what is not bread, 
   and your labor on what does not satisfy? 
Listen, listen to me, and eat what is good, 
   and you will delight in the richest of fare. 
 Give ear and come to me; 
   listen, that you may live.]


-Isaiah 55:1-3

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The results are in

After nearly six months, Aiden's autopsy report arrived.

We have been waiting and waiting and waiting. We've gone over every scenario in our heads, we've played the "What If" game hundreds of times, and I've had dozens of nightmares replaying that day. Sometimes I still wonder if anything could have changed what happened to Aiden.

The funeral director called me Monday morning to say that it had arrived and we could pick it up. So I called Ben and we decided he could leave work early so we could go by before they close. We pulled up at 4:35pm and found that they had closed early because of the storms.

Ugh!

That is A LOT to have hanging over your head for an entire day.

We called our pediatrician to see if he had heard anything. We called when we got home and it was about 5:15pm. The office was closed and I won't get into detail... but the lady on the after hours line was completely rude and said she would not let us speak with our doctor because the office is closed.

So we went home to wait...

Our dear friends brought us dinner and that helped to distract us. We laid down that night and just prayed for the Lord to give us patience.

I had dream after dream about Aiden all night.

Ben and I woke up and immediately got in the car to drive over the funeral home.

We walked in, got the form, and were shocked.

"Cause of death could not be determined."


WHAT?

After months and months and months... Nothing.

No closure.

No answers.

No place to put our anger.

Except for one thing.

It confirms what we already knew. This was 100% without a doubt THE LORD'S WILL.

For me as a human... it seems like it's just not enough. It doesn't satisfy me. It doesn't comfort me. It doesn't fulfill all my aching.

The Lord is good and faithful to His promises to uphold us. I know that God has the answers and that He just didn't want us to know them yet.

But because we're human, we want to know. I want to know. I want to understand.

God is helping me with my disbelief and my unsettledness.

Now all we can do is breathe. Live life. Grief well. And hold on to each other. And see God work.

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Get Over It

Two nights ago I sat down to spend time with the Lord. After a long weekend with friends, I was decompressing and trying to get refocused for the week.


I felt the Lord tell me to read John 16.


[Jesus saw that they wanted to ask him about this, so he said to them, “Are you asking one another what I meant when I said, ‘In a little while you will see me no more, and then after a little while you will see me’? Very truly I tell you, you will weep and mourn while the world rejoices. You will grieve, but your grief will turn to joy. A woman giving birth to a child has pain because her time has come; but when her baby is born she forgets the anguish because of her joy that a child is born into the world.  So with you: Now is your time of grief, but I will see you again and you will rejoice, and no one will take away your joy.  In that day you will no longer ask me anything. Very truly I tell you, my Father will give you whatever you ask in my name.  Until now you have not asked for anything in my name. Ask and you will receive, and your joy will be complete.]

John 16:19-24

I've seem to have put a certain expectation on myself. I feel that some of it is inflicted by society and some on my own. Either way - most of time if you have an expectation, you'll probably get disappointed.

I had this idea that after a certain point I wouldn't feel the pain anymore, but that I would just be joyful and appreciative of the time we got to spend with Aiden. But after months, the pain is still very real. I wake up in the middle of the night from scary and weird dreams, I cry often, he's constantly on my mind, he shows up everywhere!

After I read this, I was a bit more frustrated with myself. This idea of JOY... what does it even mean? The Scripture says the anguish of pain will be gone when the child is born. That's true! The labor pain is gone and far away once you get to hold that fresh, new baby.

But what about the anguish that returns after your baby is no longer living?

I've fought myself over and over again to try to understand this.

When do you ever stop caring for your children? When do you forget your children? When do you stop being a mom?

NEVER.

Never, ever would I get over this. There is no "getting over it" when it comes to your kids.

If you're a mom -- think of it this way: Would you just suddenly wake up one day and just forget that you have a child? Of course not!

I have to stop expecting myself to "get over this" or move on or whatever... You can't move on from your children.

Do I have to get out of bed everyday? Yes. Do I need to live life to the fullest and strive after God's will? Yes. Do I have to be happy?.... No.

Happiness is fleeting. It could change just by tripping over something.

I am working on JOY, the eternal happiness... the kind that is a deep feeling in your soul that calms and assures you that the Lord is good, even when you can't breathe.

[In the LORD I take refuge.
   How then can you say to me:
   “Flee like a bird to your mountain.
 For look, the wicked bend their bows;
   they set their arrows against the strings
to shoot from the shadows
   at the upright in heart.
 When the foundations are being destroyed,
  what can the righteous do?”
  The LORD is in his holy temple;
   the LORD is on his heavenly throne.
He observes everyone on earth;
   his eyes examine them.
 The LORD examines the righteous,
   but the wicked, those who love violence,
   he hates with a passion.
 On the wicked he will rain
   fiery coals and burning sulfur;
   a scorching wind will be their lot.
  For the LORD is righteous,
   he loves justice;
   the upright will see his face.]

Psalm 11

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This side of Heaven

Oftentimes I get this thought of what Aiden is doing in Heaven. I know the "Bible" answer. "He's worshiping God." But I want to know... Does he hear us when we talk about him? Does he know we miss him? Does he know how much we love him?

I struggle knowing that God taking care of my son. Does he cradle him the way he likes? Does he feed him when he's hungry? Does he snuggle him so he's not lonely?

These questions leave me lonely awake at night wondering if he misses his mommy and daddy. It's the kind of pain that we only experience on this side of Heaven.

“They are before the throne of God
and serve him day and night in his temple;
and he who sits on the throne
will shelter them with his presence.
‘Never again will they hunger;
never again will they thirst.
The sun will not beat down on them,’
nor any scorching heat.
For the Lamb at the center of the throne
will be their shepherd;
‘he will lead them to springs of living water.
‘And God will wipe away every tear from their eyes.’”

-Revelation 7:15-17

I am beyond comforted to know that not only does God take care of my sweet Aiden, but that He doesn't even have to, because in Heaven Aiden doesn't need to be held a certain way. He doesn't need to be fed. He doesn't need anyone or anything.

He is complete.

Although I ache everyday to change his poopy diaper just one more time, I am confident in God's kingdom and that one day Ben and I will join alongside Aiden to sing songs to Jesus.

I love you, baby.

We miss you so much.