New Site

Hey all! I'm now over at joyunbundled.com. Join me there! :)

Rebranding & Redesigning

Hi there, everyone! It's been a long time, I know. The last nine-ish months of my life have been nonstop chaos. This should be an inspiration for writing, but it's been just the opposite. I've moved into a completely different season of life and I'm just now getting my head above water.

I've decided it's time to reconsider where my blog is going. With changes in my personal life comes lots of change on here also.

Please be patient with me as I revamp this space.

***This is where I need YOU! For my small circle of readers, I need your input. What are some of your favorite posts? Why do you read this blog? What do you look forward to reading on here? I would treasure your comments and input! Comment on here or email me :)

I have lots of ideas swirling around and things in the works! Stay tuned for a new blog!

Hold You Near

There's a reason cities build walls up. They are protective, deliberately separating structures that take time, effort, skill, and intention to construct. They aren't forgiving or flexible; they are sturdy, solid and longstanding.

Why do people build these walls? These walls that are so thoughtfully and carefully built to make sure that no hurt, mistrust, or pain can enter. Whether the wall is there for one person or several people, walls constrict you from true freedom.

I've built these walls. I've spent night after night thinking out how to make the wall just perfect so as to protect myself as much as possible. Terrified of ridicule or rejection, I have moved very inch of discomfort into another brick on the wall. I'm very quick to think of myself first in these walls, not how it may affect others. Sometimes I build the walls so high I can't see over them for miles upon miles.

The last few months have been so humbling and I have slowly began to tear down walls that I've probably built for years.

But now's the time to let the walls come crumbing down.

Because a life with walls is a life of solitude, fear, and self-loathing. Because a life with walls is no life at all.

O Lord, you have searched me and known me!
 You know when I sit down and when I rise up;
    you discern my thoughts from afar.
 You search out my path and my lying down
    and are acquainted with all my ways.
 Even before a word is on my tongue,
    behold, O Lord, you know it altogether.
 You hem me in, behind and before,
    and lay your hand upon me.
 Such knowledge is too wonderful for me;
    it is high; I cannot attain it.

 Where shall I go from your Spirit?
    Or where shall I flee from your presence?
 If I ascend to heaven, you are there!
    If I make my bed in Sheol, you are there!
 If I take the wings of the morning
    and dwell in the uttermost parts of the sea,
 even there your hand shall lead me,
    and your right hand shall hold me.
 If I say, “Surely the darkness shall cover me,
    and the light about me be night,”
 even the darkness is not dark to you;
    the night is bright as the day,
    for darkness is as light with you.

 For you formed my inward parts;
    you knitted me together in my mother's womb.
 I praise you, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made.
Wonderful are your works;
    my soul knows it very well.
 My frame was not hidden from you,
when I was being made in secret,
    intricately woven in the depths of the earth.
 Your eyes saw my unformed substance;
in your book were written, every one of them,
    the days that were formed for me,
    when as yet there was none of them.

 How precious to me are your thoughts, O God!
    How vast is the sum of them!
 If I would count them, they are more than the sand.
    I awake, and I am still with you.

                                        -Psalm 139:1-18

Finding that deep assurance of God's love for me takes guts. It takes me surrendering my pride, my fear, and my discomfort to Him. Every time I feel that wall rising in me, I have to push it down and pray for God's guidance. Is it fear of rejection? Time to be bold and to say it anyway. Has this person hurt me in the past? Time to forgive and move forward. Is it confusion? Time to search for Truth. Is it self preservation? Time to swallow my pride and be ok with being wrong. Is it fear of failure? Time to get back up.

Because life is messy. And if I waste my time trying to make it perfect then I'll miss the beauty of growth and forgiveness. I'll miss His new mercies that are free to me daily. I'll miss out on real relationships and only scratch the surface with people.

I desire strong, satisfying relationships that I can lean on and live life alongside of. I'm stretching deeper within myself to have a joyful, bountiful marriage. I'm leaning harder on those few people God has placed in my life for friendship that lasts a lifetime.

When There Isn't Time

Just eight short weeks ago I gave birth to two very precious little girls. I have a 22 month old son and my sweet Aiden would be three years old. Life has flown by at warp speed. 

Grief doesn't know time. It doesn't have boundaries.

This weekend my family and I had a very near dangerous experience in the car and one of my girls was almost hurt. 

My body, mind and heart was paralyzed. I literally felt like my heart was going to explode and I was going into shock.

I grabbed my phone thinking we may have to call 911 and the flashbacks started. Flickers of the horrible 911 call I made when Aiden wasn't breathing. And all the events that followed. I lost my breath. I couldn't breathe. My husband pulled Milly out of the car and was assuring me she was fine and I covered my face in fear that she wasn't.

Three years and three kids later and the grief is so different. I look back at those months immediately following Aiden's death and I'm pretty sure I'm more shaken now than when it happened.

Adrenalin is a powerful thing in crisis. It debilitates you from feeling and gets you to act. Those months, probably the first year, was acted out of that adrenalin. Slowly life moved on and I became so much more aware -- the ability to feel grew.

I think it's only been in the last year or less that I've been able to sort through things.

I've found myself broken. So incredibly weak and wounded, so bruised, so full of fear and insecurity. Grief has seeped into every area of my life and I'm just beginning to peel back the layers.

Time has brought me to a place of remembrance and realization that I desperately need Jesus more than I've ever thought. I mean... We all need Jesus. When we mess up, when we need provision, when we seek guidance. 

But I need Jesus DAILY. I need Him every moment. Because my feet fail me in the most simple circumstances. 

But Jesus never fails me.

Here I am in life feeling like I'm sinking -- seeing defeat in so many areas in my life and He has been waiting for me in these quiet and loud moments to sing peace over me.

I choose Him. I choose Him over fear, hurt, confusion, exhaustion or pain. I choose to give it all to Him. 

And it feels good. Because now I'm not alone or scared but lifted up, encouraged, full of hope. I can put my confidence in His faithfulness. Deep assurance fills my spirit knowing He never gives up.

"He will cover you with his feathers, 

      and under his wings you will find refuge;
           his faithfulness will be your shield and rampart."

                                          -Psalm 91:4

Fear

I've been having intense nightmares for the last few weeks. It's been revolving around this idea of losing Ben. Whether it be that he leaves me for another woman or he dies suddenly... it's been driving me crazy! And has put me on an emotional roller coaster.

I know what it is like to lose someone you love dearly.

On Sunday our pastor was discussing the fear of death and the fear of safety. It sparked so many thoughts in my head, because I don't fear my own death. I fear the death of my husband and my kids. I fear the loss of them in my life. Because in my head, I couldn't do life without Ben. He is my best friend and has walked the hardest road alongside me with love, support, kindness and strength.

A wave of shock overcame me on Sunday as our pastor was speaking because after almost three years I have never known this about myself. I've seen all the symptoms but never acknowledged the condition. This fear controls a lot of my life. I get nervous in the car when we have to put on the breaks suddenly. I lose it when something even slightly scary happens in our neighborhood. I imagine getting "the phone call" every time Ben drives away and I assume he is going to get in an accident.

I know God doesn't want me to live this way. He does not want us to fear.

For God did not give us a spirit of timidity, but a spirit of power, of love and of self-discipline. -2 Timothy 1:7 

Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid or terrified because of them, for the LORD your God goes with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you." -Deuteronomy 31:6 

When I am afraid, I will trust in you.  In God, whose word I praise, in God I trust; I will not be afraid. What can mortal man do to me? -Psalm 56:3-4 

There is no fear in love. But perfect love drives out fear, because fear has to do with punishment. The one who fears is not made perfect in love. -1 John 4:18

I took Elwood to the park this morning and on my way home I was listening to an interview of Matt Redman about his song "10,000 Reasons". He told a story of an older man that loved the Lord who had gotten sick and was on his death bed. He called in all his family and friends and asked that they sing "10,000 Reasons" as he passed away. I teared up immediately hearing about how the man said he wanted to be raised into Heaven singing His praises because he wasn't afraid of death. He wasn't scared to meet Jesus, but rather much the opposite.

Matt Redman talked about how he couldn't believe that God was using that song for such an eternal purpose. He said that concerts and recordings are so limited but hearing the stories of how the song is changing lives and moving Heaven are overwhelming.

Oh, how I desire to have that confidence in Him.

I'm learning to trust Him in all circumstances. He's never failed me and I know He never will. Leaning into my fear gives me the opportunity to surrender it, letting God the chance to take control and ease it. His yoke is easy and His burden is light. The burdens I think I carry are only my own. They are heavy weighted, difficult, messy and hurtful. But as soon as I can give it to God, it disapates immediately.

10,000 Reasons by Matt Redman (emphasis mine)

Bless the Lord, O my soul
O my soul
Worship His holy name
Sing like never before
O my soul
I'll worship Your holy name

The sun comes up, it's a new day dawning
It's time to sing Your song again
Whatever may pass, and whatever lies before me
Let me be singing when the evening comes

You're rich in love, and You're slow to anger
Your name is great, and Your heart is kind
For all Your goodness I will keep on singing
Ten thousand reasons for my heart to find

And on that day when my strength is failing
The end draws near and my time has come
Still my soul will sing Your praise unending
Ten thousand years and then forevermore
Jesus, I'll worship Your holy name
Lord, I'll worship Your holy name

When Strength Isn't Enough

I feel defeated by a lot of things right now. The last few weeks have overwhelmed me with life circumstances that I can neither control or fix. I feel inadequate most days to be the wife, mom, sister, daughter, and friend I should be. I fall short and often fail at what I think I should be doing.

But when I read the Word and soak in God's story, I see that no one was enough. Not one person (I mean person, not Christ) measured up to what God had planned for them. Nor did anyone in the Bible know how important they were regardless of their shortcomings or successes. We're just all human beings doing the best we can to pursue Christ and godliness.

Exposed beyond the shadows
You take the cup from me
Your dirt removes my blindness
Your pain becomes my peace 
                                     -Jars of Clay

I am frail. Nothing I do, say, or touch is stable. Because I am not stable. Not without Christ. I'm learning to place my hope and trust in Him, leaning into my weakness so it is exposed and God can work on me.

A lot of things in life terrify me right now. The road ahead looks scary and difficult. Finishing out this pregnancy, having three little ones under age two, grieving the hardest season of the year for us in October, and the many crazy days at our house to come... But I take comfort knowing my strength isn't enough. And thank the Lord! My strength would get me to about... this afternoon. Then it would fade and fail.

"Let the morning bring me word of your unfailing love, for I have put my trust in you. Show me the way I should go, for to you I entrust my life." -Psalm 143:8

The Truth about Twin Pregnancy

At our first ultrasound, I was so nervous to hear that baby's heartbeat. Just to know that everything was ok and we could have that sigh of relief. When the ultrasound tech told me to take a deep breath, I was expecting the worst. What I didn't expect was to see two sacs, two babies, and two heartbeats. It took my breath away...

After hours of crying and hyperventilating, I could slowly breathe and at least start to process two babies.

I'm in my 25th week of pregnancy with two girls and I knew that this pregnancy would be different, but I didn't think it would rock my world as it has.

This is no regular pregnancy.

You would think my third time around and I would feel like a pro, but this pregnancy has thrown me for a loop.

I've been way more vulnerable to sickness.
In my first trimester, I had two nasty stomach viruses. I've had a couple little colds, allergies, and just generally under the weather much more easily.

Tiredness doesn't even begin to cover it.
I didn't know how hard this pregnancy would be on me. Every few hours I need a break. Just to put my feet up and rest. I go to bed super early every night and pray I get to sleep eight hours. The weekends are amazing for naps and extra rest. Ben is so great about running errands with Elwood so I can have some downtime.

All the questions.
When someone finds out I'm pregnant with twins, they have a million questions. In all honesty, I don't really have answers! I'm learning everything on the fly because I never thought I'd be here. I've done a lot of research online and asked a lot of questions at my appointments.

Tests, tests, tests.
I've been overwhelmed by ultrasounds at every appointment and all the tests they've been running to make sure everything is on track. Soon I'll start non stress tests every week for the girls. My appointments used to be 45 minutes but now I expect to be there around three hours. I've started taking some extra supplements to help keep my levels normal.

All the ity bity buys.
The little things add up quickly. Bigger maternity clothes, food, another crib, clothes for the girls, and all sorts of baby stuff that has snuck up on me this time! I thought I would be able to use what we have, I didn't know we'd be buying more.

Speaking of food....
I have never been so hungry in my entire life. The amount of food I eat everyday is unreal. Our food budget has definitely expanded as my belly grows. I have to eat every couple hours and cravings are insane! The cravings are so intense and literally have to have it.

Precautions, limitations, and rules...
I had a lot of flexibility when I was pregnant with the boys and I guess I wasn't aware of how a twin pregnancy is much different. I just got the word on no more traveling and to be resting more. I definitely watched my activity with the boys and was careful, but I feel like I have a magnifying glass on me this time.

I am overjoyed by these sweet girls and so looking forward to when they arrive. I've been counting down the weeks until I get to meet their precious little faces! This is going to be quite the adventure. I'm new to girls and very new to this twin thing!

More to come....

Called

Funny how God surprises me daily.

I planned out my goals for 2013 and had this idea of how things would go. 2012 was a wonderful but very hard year and I was down right determined to see 2013 become something new.

New it is.

Only 17 days in and God has already surprised me with what He has planned. I feel like new year's eve was eons ago.

Something encouraging about this year thus far is that I'm actually sticking with my goals. I'm eating healthier and exercising. I'm saying "no" more often. I've spent time with my husband. I met with a group of girls and I feel so encouraged.

But even with a list of things to accomplish that I think will make my life better, it has still been a huge struggle.

Huge.

I'm not throwing the list out the window and I'm not starting over because I think God really led me to write that list and stick to it, but God also is teaching me that the list isn't going to change my life, HE is.

All of the things on my list lead me in the right direction, encourage me, spur me on, get me healthy emotional and physically... But God told me, "I wish it were that easy, but it's not."

Following Christ, being His disciple, and living out faith requires so much more. It is pushing me to new heights. Do I really believe? Am I really following? Am I abiding?

I've been listening to a song by All Sons and Daughters on repeat. It has really spoken to my heart about where God has me.

You Have Called Me Higher

I could just sit

I could just sit and wait for all your goodness

Hope to feel your presence

And I could just stay

I could just stay right where I am and hope to feel you

Hope to feel something again

And I could hold on

I could hold on to who I am and never let You change me from the inside

And I could be safe

I could be safe here in Your arms and never leave home

Never let these walls down

But you have called me higher

You have called me deeper

And I will go where you will lead me Lord

You have called me higher

You have called me deeper

And I will go where you lead me Lord

Where you lead me

Where you lead me Lord

And I will be Yours

I will be Yours for all my life

So let Your mercy light the path before me

Our New Family

Happy New Year!!!

I started off the new year with a new 'do! I cut off 11 inches and donated my hair to Locks of Love to start the year off right. It was time for my long locks to be rid of because I have a little one who loves to pull, grab, and rip out my hair. So I decided to go big and cut it all off.

So I sat down this morning and really thought about this year. I'll admit, I've always thought new years resolutions are pretty silly, cheesy, and kind of pointless. What makes you think that just because the year number changes that you are going to all the sudden turn a new chapter and do things differently? What's the point in waiting for the new year? Why not start December 31?

Well, I don't have an eloquent answer except asking myself why God would even give us new years to begin with if He didn't want to differentiate time? So... if we get a number change each year why can't we have a heart/life change too?

So I've jumped on the band wagon and decided to make resolutions.

#1: Make more FAMILY time.

Time for me and Ben and Elwood to just be us. We've spent the last year driving around and around seeing everyone and making every effort to be at everything. We have become a "yes" family to everything and it leaves us with little time (and money) to do anything together as a family. We LOVE spending time with our friends and family, but I've lost sight of putting my husband and children first.

This year has left us exhausted, out of touch with each other, busy, over-commited, and broke! (Gas costs A LOT)

So we are going to try our best to say "no" more often and say "yes" to our family time!

#2: For the things I'm committing to, give it MORE.

God has led me to a few things I want to invest my time in. I don't want to give it half my effort and skim the surface anymore. I want to give God room to dig deeper into the things I'm involved in. So no more distractions (less Facebook, instagram, and other social medias!). Time to sink in deeper instead of being present at more than one place.

#3: Get healthy!

I have a lot of time that I spend with Elwood during the day. We play, read books, sing songs, and run errands. During this time I'm going to try my best to do exercises as much as I can. The idea of "working out" (going to a gym, etc) sounds wonderful but realistically isn't going to happen. (See goal #5)

So in between books, balls, and blocks I'm going to do crunches, jumping jacks, and fun yoga moves!

#4: Go to a conference.

Ben and I have made it our goal for each of us to attend a conference that interests us. Something to fill us up, inspire us, and time to dedicate to our dreams!

The hardest part is picking something! Shoot me ideas if you have them :)

#5: Budget, budget, budget! Get debt free!

Ben and I have cut way back on our excess spending, but have acquired more needs! We are feeding another person now! And he needs certain things that cost money.

Somehow we are going to reduce our spending, chip away at our debt and maintain a healthy home financially. If we don't need it, don't buy it! (This is why I'm not spending money on a gym membership, etc)

#6: Spoil my husband.

The last year has put a lot of stress on us in several ways. Some good, some not so good. In all honesty since things have gotten so crazy, my marriage has not come first. I love Ben, of course, but I haven't shown him the way I should. We've both had a ton on our plates.

Over New Years break we were able to spend some much needed quality time together and I am hooked! I love this man deeply and I desire nothing else but to be his wife and to do it well. Incorporating some of the other goals (such as saying "no" more often and to giving him more) will help me make time for him. He deserves it!

So here's the list. It's a good thing I'm publicizing this because otherwise I may not have had enough motivation to make this stuff happen. Please feel free to email me in June and ask me if I'm still working on these things! I'll need it!

My Thoughts on the Christmas Season

It has been a busy season for the Tennants. We have driven countless miles to see family and celebrate the holidays over the last month. We've gotten to see all of our families for both Thanksgiving and Christmas and Elwood got to celebrate his first holidays with everyone.

It's been such fun, special time for my sweet baby to experience this season.

In the midst of celebration I found myself getting so caught up in the logistics and timing and how things should look rather than my heart.

I feel like I missed out on God's blessings because I was so busy making sure we saw everyone, got the right gifts, and got to everything on time.

Ben, Elwood, and I spent Christmas morning in bed reading the book of Luke's account of Jesus' birth.

It was refreshing to open God's word as a family. Something that we don't get to do as often as I'd like. I'm making it my goal and resolution for 2013 for the following things:

1. Spend more time with family with no strings attached.

2. Open the Word as a family every day.

3. Say "no" more often. (We are WAY too busy.)

4. Spend more time in nourishing relationships.

5. Take time to grow spiritually, physically, and emotionally more healthy.

6. Invest in deeply rooted relationships with other women.

7. Take a beach vacation!

And lastly, to blog more often. To put more of my thoughts together and explore different avenues of writing.

Until next year...

A Heart of Thankfulness

I'm sitting downstairs with a beautiful Christmas tree lit on a rainy Monday and my sweet baby has been snoozing for 2+ hours.

I am overwhelmed with thankfulness. Being in the midst of a tough church season, a busy family schedule, and financial strain, God has blown me away with His incredible provision.

He has stunned me with His promises -- renewing my faith each day.

It's easy to get caught up in the "storm" of life. In the little things that swirl in our heads when we lay down at night -- keeping us awake. Keeping us from seeing true reality -- the world through God's eyes.

I desire compassion. The kind of compassion Jesus has. Compassion that confronts issues head on with love and humility. With grace and truth.

I wonder what it would really look like for me to see and treat others & myself the way God does. I would never doubt my mothering abilities. I wouldn't look twice in the mirror before I leave the house. I wouldn't think over what I'm going to say one hundred times before confronting an issue. I would never see myself as a failure.

How would my world change if I saw others the way God does? I wouldn't judge others. I wouldn't compare. I wouldn't desire what others have -- knowing that God has me right where He wants me. And I definitely would not speak harsh words to anyone if I saw them how Jesus does.

God, cleanse my heart. Forgive and help my unbelief. Teach me to put myself in the grave and to live fully in your Spirit.

Hallelujah!

Love to Life

It's 3:15am and I haven't slept at all yet.

I couldn't sleep and conveniently neither could Elwood. He's been up every hour or so wanting to be held and poor thing has a cold that he's fighting and he just doesn't feel well.

So I finally get frustrated that I can't sleep so I come downstairs and do the dishes. Yes, at 3am I'm downstairs scrubbing pots and pans and loading the dishwasher. And as I'm doing this, Elwood is crying upstairs. I run up and grab him and we rock.

We rocked in his room and the closer I held him, the more calm he got. For about fifteen minutes he just stared at me. He used his hands to feel my face and look in my eyes. *This one of those mama moments you never forget.

After about thirty minutes he finally gives in and lays his head on my chest. And I hum a lullaby until he falls asleep. But as I hum I can't help but get teary eyed just looking at my beautiful son who sweetly needs his mama tonight for reasons I can only guess.

I crept downstairs and decided I was going to catch up on my reading and blogs that I follow. Tammie Head is an amazing woman of God that has written a bible study and speaks around the country. I read her blog often and tonight I sat down to read her latest post (found here).

Can Jesus handle your pain? Tammie answers absolutely.

I love the point she makes that the modern church tends to glaze over pain and tell us that Jesus conquers it and that we can live victoriously in Him. (Which is true!)

But then she says what I know God really means -- 

“Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light.” -Matthew 11:28-30

Crawl into the lap of Jesus and let Him LOVE you to life. What sweet words from our Savior. He desires to love us deeply, not just skip all the details. He wants to know everything. He wants to heal every part of us.

This encouraged me so much as a reminder that as I rocked my son who I love more than I can even describe in the middle of the night; Jesus desires to do the same with my soul.

So I'm downstairs with a cup of hot tea at 3:30am letting the Lord love on me.

Let Him love you to life. What a sweet, precious, intimate, and holy God I love that will sit and be with me.

Tonight I'm thankful.

A Day of Remembrance

Two years ago we say goodbye to Aiden.

Our hearts sank to the lowest it will ever be and we said our final goodbyes to our baby here on Earth. Time stood still as we grieve the most horrible thing anyone ever could -- losing our child.

I wish I could say that two years later we have all the answers and that we have peace. But there is no peace in death on this Earth; only in Heaven.

So today we grieve as we do every day -- missing our son and wishing we had more time with him.

We are blessed by the outpour of support and love. Thank you to everyone who has reached out to us.

Today we grieve.

Today we remember.

Today we stand broken, yet redeemed.

{The Lord is close the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit. -Psalm 34:18}

Happy 2nd Birthday, Aiden!

This year looks much different than last year.

Today our first son would have been 2 years old.

How I wish I could see him running around, talking, giving us kisses, opening presents, eating cake, and having fun with friends.

But today we grieve and celebrate two years since I became a mom.

Aiden, you changed me forever. You made me a mama. And I miss you more than words could ever say.

Today I remember such sweet moments with you. I reflect on God's glory that He showed me through you. You are a piece of the Father.

Thank you, God, for creating Aiden. We are so grateful to have met him and spent three breathtaking days with him.

Raw

I'm on the most important journey of my life.

I'm at a pivotal point where I can choose healing or I can let Satan continue to attack me.

It's been almost two years since my world got turned upside down and I'm just now beginning to unwrap the situation. For two years I've delicately decided when and how to "deal" with my grief. Really when I feel it to be convenient or when I'm feeling inspired to "get better" or "be better".

Grief doesn't work that way. Grief is a moody, unexpected, all the time, in your face kind of emotion. I used to think it was something that was always in the back of your mind, but that you can return to normal life and deal with it when you feel like it.

When the reality is that grief affects every single move you make. Every conversation, relationship, decision, and emotion. Grief is the thing that if you don't confront it, it may slowly destroy you. {will destroy you...}

I have gracefully walked out the last two years strongly with a spiritually sound attitude and positive outlook.

Two years later, I can say that I am now in a more realistic and even more spiritual walk.

Grief is ugly.

I can tell you that a lot of people around me say that I'm strong, positive, put together, and even normal. But the truth is that I'm broken.

Brokenness is where God found me. It's where He can deal with me. It's where He can start.

I feel like I'm raw. The past two years has beat me over and over again with no break or chance to recover.

{I've been going back and forth and writing and editing this particular post for about 3 weeks because I didn't know how much and what I wanted to share. Because the truth is I don't even want to write it. But I'm even more scared of what will happen if I don't.}

So here I am. Broken. Raw. Hurt. Depressed. Sad. Mad. Constantly anxious. And everything in between.

I don't want Elwood to live in the shadow of my grief.

I think that's one of my biggest fears. That he will never have a normal life because of my grief. I know I'm not "normal" anymore but I don't want to inflict all of my anxiety on him.

Will you pray with us?

We need good listening friends that can bear some heavy weight. We need encouragement. We need prayers.

We're at a loss of where to go from here. We're seeking God like crazy; going to any measure it takes to know Him more deeply and to feel His embrace.

To be continued...

Running Wild

The past few weeks are one big blur.

I feel like absolutely nothing of substance has happened but that things have dramatically changed all at the same time. No earthly events have shattered apart and my days haven't shifted but things are different.

Emotions, my journey with the Lord, and my mind have all changed directions and a new season has begun.

I've gone through a lot of growth over the last couple years. First I went through a big change when I got married. Then I had a baby and lost a baby. That will definitely change you. Then I went through an emotionally hard pregnancy. And now I'm a "new" (but not new) mom and life is completely different. I'm no longer working (after 8 years) and yet I'm still pretty busy.

I've found myself to be strangely lonely. With my schedule being dictated by nap and bed times, feedings, and a tight budget I haven't been able to keep up with friends or go out and do things. I've been forced to hunker down at the house and truly be at home.

My idle hands (well, at least during nap time...) have given me a run for my money.

I'm so looking forward to the fall when I'm adding a couple things to my schedule and I'll be out of the house more often hopefully. 

I know that most moms will say that it gets easier when they get bigger and you are more accustomed to having children and learning how to get out. But the older Elwood gets the more I realize how much he needs his mommy and that I'm terrified to leave him.

This is a learning process and letting go of control and fear are definitely obstacles I'm going to try to overcome.

Elwood has been struggling with separation anxiety to the max and it of course hurts me just as much as it hurts him. I was reading and talking with our pediatrician and babies at this age don't understand that when you leave a room - you are simply disappearing to your baby. They don't know if/when you're going to come back. Ouch! It hurts my heart to even think about what goes through his mind when I leave the room or put him down at bedtime.

So for now the best thing I can do as his mommy is to limit time with "strangers", get him good rest with naps, and ride out this phase.

In the meantime I'm enjoying investing in our home, my marriage, my son, and my journey with the Lord. God is definitely trying my patience and teaching me grace through all of this. I'm so grateful for a God who prepares us for things in the future. I know that one day I will look back at this time and thank God for teaching me now and that I am more prepared for whatever comes along.

Parenting is one of the most selfless blessings.

It requires you to fully clothe yourself in His righteousness and His armor to be able to parent well. On my own accord I would be an awful parent. In my flesh sometimes I just want "me" time away from everyone and everything. But my spirit wills me to gently love my child effortlessly.

Oh, how the Creator loves us. He has shown me His humility and His kindness over the last few weeks more than I have ever experienced. I am so thankful.

Until next time...

After a long break... Q&A

Welcome back!

I'm so happy to be back in the saddle after 8 long weeks away from blogging. I've had some people ask why I stopped writing since Elwood was born and the answer is simply this: I couldn't jumble all my thoughts yet.

I've had some good downtime that I probably could have used to put everything together but I've just really enjoyed every moment I've had with my sweet baby and haven't wanted to try to get things together yet. Elwood is truly a blessing and I have been soaking it up!!!

I'm going to use this first post to let everyone how Elwood is doing but also to answer some questions! I'm going to start with some of the most common questions I've been asked but I want YOUR questions! I don't get a lot of comments or emails but I'd really like to hear from you! So get creative and ask away!

1) How are you doing? How is Elwood doing?

There's not an easy answer to that. Overall - we are doing SO well. Ben and I are still learning how to balance our schedules and we're trying to figure out how this parenting thing works. Elwood is doing well after some weight issues. He lost a lot of weight his first two weeks and had a very slow growth rate for a couple weeks after that but we are thankfully on the up swing now and he's doing great!

2) Are you still nursing? What happened?

Yes, I'm still nursing! We went through a scary 48 hours where Elwood wasn't doing well with eating and having no BMs. We were at the doctor's A LOT! We did have to supplement with some formula and I was pumping and feeding him a bottle to make it easier on him. After weeks of mixing nursing, pumping, and bottle feeding I am so happy to say that he has been exclusively nursing for about a week now! I couldn't be more happy about this! I finally feel free! It was so tough to make sure I was home to pump and to keep track of milk intake and to keep milk fresh.

3) How is being a stay at home mom?

You know... it's so funny how life ends up. I've been working like a crazy woman since I was 15 years old and for the first time in my life I am just at home. (Well... it's not "just at home" because it's a lot of work. But not having a paid job.) I really thought that I would get a little itchy for something to do and that I would want something else. I have LOVED being home with Elwood. I've enjoyed being here with him 24/7 and having the chance to sow into him and my family. Will I ever go back to work? I have NO idea. But for right now I know the Lord is calling me to be at home and I am definitely ok with that :)

4) How did you guys do with the first week? (in regards to your loss)

We had the BEST doctors in the world. Both my OB and our pediatrician were so sensitive to our loss and our emotions. We stayed an extra day in the hospital (5 days total) just to be cautious. It was wonderful to know that Elwood was being watched 24/7 and that I didn't have to worry. We put Elwood in the nursery at night (which we didn't with Aiden) and we were blown away by the nurses in there. They reassured us emotionally and with his health all the time. We felt like they were our family for that week and they cared about Elwood just as much as we did.

The 3 day mark was hard. I was emotionally hurt thinking about that day with Aiden and just spent the day a little more attached to Elwood. I wasn't worried for him, but I couldn't help but have some scary thoughts and feelings. I got to tell Elwood about his brother and it was actually really helpful to just talk about it.

Our first night at home with Elwood was very sensitive. Ben and I were constantly checking him to make sure he was breathing and we just prayed over him all night long.

The next day took us by complete surprise. Just as we thought we were out of the woods we had a big scare. Elwood turned blue while I was nursing him. I immediately saw it and put him up and patted his back (while crying) and freaked out. He of course turned back and had his coloring and was totally fine but I totally lost it.

I called my friend Kim (SO thankful for her!) because she had this happen with her daughter and asked her what to do and what it meant. She assured me that he was ok and that he just forgot to breathe and that it does happen. She was a wonderful friend and stayed calm for me while I told her all my fears. I can't tell you how good it was to talk to someone who knew what I was saying even though I couldn't verbalize it completely.

The next 24 hours was when Elwood wasn't having any BMs and he wasn't eating. He became lethargic and sleepy so that's when we called our pediatrician and had to begin formula every 1 1/2 to 2 hours. Ben and I were an emotional wreck. Our best friends packed up their two boys and came over to just sit with us for the night. We didn't sleep at all and were just sitting there watching Elwood breathe. It was the most terrifying 48 hours of my life. I felt like his life was hanging by a thread. I know in reality it wasn't, but all our emotions and grief kicked it into high gear and we were scared.

That's probably the biggest reason I stopped blogging after he was born.


Before all this happened I simply didn't have time. But after this, it took me a long time to recover. And then I didn't know whether I wanted to talk about it or not. I didn't really tell anyone about it and I was just exhausted.

Thank GOD for my mom who spent the first two weeks with us and supported me more than I could have ever imagined someone could. She was my rock.

5) What is Elwood doing right now? What's the latest development?

Sweet Elwood is SMILING!!! Oh we are so blessed by his precious smile! He is also cooing away now and telling us all sorts of stories! It's neat to see him look you in the eye and coo about I don't even know what but he is so happy!

He's starting to not only recognize people but he gets very excited to see certain people and will zero in on them while they talk even if it's not to him. He loves listening in to conversations.

This baby LOVES music!! He enjoys worship at church and wiggles to music at home!

He can now turn his head from side to side while laying down when you call his name or have something he wants. He also is holding his head up for periods!

I was very impressed when a woman met him the other day and guessed he was 2 1/2 months old when he is only 7 1/2 weeks! I think he's an over-acheiver :)

My goal is to post at least once a week from here on out! Hopefully this was a good summary of everything and you feel caught up!

Ok the floor is open and I would LOVE to hear from you! You can either comment on this post or you can email me at amyktennant@gmail.com. I'm excited to answer some questions! Ask away! :)

Meet John Elwood Tennant!

We are so beyond blessed to share the news that our sweet son, Elwood, was born this morning!

7:38am
8 lbs 12 oz
19 1/2 in

We love this boy already :)

38 weeks & feelin' it!

Well we are 6 days away from our c-section and life is crazy! I don't know that I've ever been this excited, nervous, anxious, or worried. I wish I could lie and say that I'm over the moon excited and that I think this is going to be perfect and that everything is going to go smoothly.

I will fully admit that I've spent the past few weeks worried sick that something will go wrong or I won't be a good mom or that our baby won't make it.

Ben and I both dreaded putting the nursery together thinking "what's the point?" when we don't know if he'll be using this nursery or not. I know these are terrible thoughts and that they probably scare some of you, but after you lose a child that you put all of your time, energy, love, and affection toward it can be quite a gloomy vibe to attempt this again and fear you won't have the turnout you had prepared for.

I know that when the time comes and Elwood is born, I will fall madly in love with him. I know that my heart will melt and that I will dream BIG and love passionately and care for him sweetly. But 6 days away from delivery and I'm just not quite there yet. 

Ben and I are just praying like crazy that God would flood over us and that He would smooth out our fears and help us to fully engage. God has been so good to us and when I look back I am absolutely amazed at His grace and how He has tenderly brought us through so much.

But there is still a voice of fear.

I wish I had some perfect ending to this post. A glimmer of hope. A message of peace. But my heart is restless and my mind is a battle field. I know that God is FAITHFUL. I know that He will and has conquered this.

Elwood update & lots of pictures!

Over the past few weeks we have seen God transition our lives. Last week I had my last day at my job and trained the new person and began my life as a stay at home mom. After working hard for the past 6 years in administration, I have found that working at home will be a challenge. I absolutely love working around the house, cleaning, organizing, shopping, cooking... But my days of busy work around the office are on hold for now.

We went to the doctor yesterday for a growth ultrasound to check on Elwood and see how big he is measuring and how far he is developed. Our sweet boy is weighing 6 lbs 7 oz and will be growing roughly a pound a week for the next 3 weeks before we deliver! Woah! We will probably be having ourselves a 9 lb baby! It was so fun to see Elwood on the screen and see his very, very adorable face with big Buzza cheeks.

We are very excited to spend the next 3 weeks preparing and resting before our world gets turned upside down. One comforting thing is that my OB says she doubts I will go into labor early because Elwood's head is already too big to go down and cause labor. It's kind of nice to not have to constantly be "on call" to pick up our things and head to the hospital. We can truly relax and enjoy this time together.

We were honored to have our dear friend Amanda Lipscomb (You can check out her stuff here) take some maternity photos for us! Here's a preview of our shoot!

Also, we finally put the finishing touches on Elwood's nursery! It has been so fun to decorate and nest into his room. Here's some photos of his room!

Yesterday while we were waiting at the doctor a couple went in for their first ultrasound. After just a short couple minutes we heard the tech give this couple the bad news that there was no heartbeat. And immediately we heard sobs of sadness. My heart immediately jumped to the bottom of my stomach and I was crushed for this couple. It wasn't even that it reminded me of my loss, but rather than I hurt so badly for them. Ben and I wanted so badly to go in there and embrace this couple and tell them that it was going to be okay and that God was with them.

I sat in the waiting room sobbing for this couple as I am constantly reminded that loss is all around us. It can be so easily hidden but on days like yesterday, loss is very real. God reminded me that our story has made us tender and that He has designed us to pray and be there for people who have experienced loss. I will be praying for this couple as they start the journey that I know so well and pray that they would know God and experience His love, comfort, and peace.

We are anticipating these next few weeks as we welcome our next son into this world and get the opportunity to raise this child.