Running Wild

The past few weeks are one big blur.

I feel like absolutely nothing of substance has happened but that things have dramatically changed all at the same time. No earthly events have shattered apart and my days haven't shifted but things are different.

Emotions, my journey with the Lord, and my mind have all changed directions and a new season has begun.

I've gone through a lot of growth over the last couple years. First I went through a big change when I got married. Then I had a baby and lost a baby. That will definitely change you. Then I went through an emotionally hard pregnancy. And now I'm a "new" (but not new) mom and life is completely different. I'm no longer working (after 8 years) and yet I'm still pretty busy.

I've found myself to be strangely lonely. With my schedule being dictated by nap and bed times, feedings, and a tight budget I haven't been able to keep up with friends or go out and do things. I've been forced to hunker down at the house and truly be at home.

My idle hands (well, at least during nap time...) have given me a run for my money.

I'm so looking forward to the fall when I'm adding a couple things to my schedule and I'll be out of the house more often hopefully. 

I know that most moms will say that it gets easier when they get bigger and you are more accustomed to having children and learning how to get out. But the older Elwood gets the more I realize how much he needs his mommy and that I'm terrified to leave him.

This is a learning process and letting go of control and fear are definitely obstacles I'm going to try to overcome.

Elwood has been struggling with separation anxiety to the max and it of course hurts me just as much as it hurts him. I was reading and talking with our pediatrician and babies at this age don't understand that when you leave a room - you are simply disappearing to your baby. They don't know if/when you're going to come back. Ouch! It hurts my heart to even think about what goes through his mind when I leave the room or put him down at bedtime.

So for now the best thing I can do as his mommy is to limit time with "strangers", get him good rest with naps, and ride out this phase.

In the meantime I'm enjoying investing in our home, my marriage, my son, and my journey with the Lord. God is definitely trying my patience and teaching me grace through all of this. I'm so grateful for a God who prepares us for things in the future. I know that one day I will look back at this time and thank God for teaching me now and that I am more prepared for whatever comes along.

Parenting is one of the most selfless blessings.

It requires you to fully clothe yourself in His righteousness and His armor to be able to parent well. On my own accord I would be an awful parent. In my flesh sometimes I just want "me" time away from everyone and everything. But my spirit wills me to gently love my child effortlessly.

Oh, how the Creator loves us. He has shown me His humility and His kindness over the last few weeks more than I have ever experienced. I am so thankful.

Until next time...

After a long break... Q&A

Welcome back!

I'm so happy to be back in the saddle after 8 long weeks away from blogging. I've had some people ask why I stopped writing since Elwood was born and the answer is simply this: I couldn't jumble all my thoughts yet.

I've had some good downtime that I probably could have used to put everything together but I've just really enjoyed every moment I've had with my sweet baby and haven't wanted to try to get things together yet. Elwood is truly a blessing and I have been soaking it up!!!

I'm going to use this first post to let everyone how Elwood is doing but also to answer some questions! I'm going to start with some of the most common questions I've been asked but I want YOUR questions! I don't get a lot of comments or emails but I'd really like to hear from you! So get creative and ask away!

1) How are you doing? How is Elwood doing?

There's not an easy answer to that. Overall - we are doing SO well. Ben and I are still learning how to balance our schedules and we're trying to figure out how this parenting thing works. Elwood is doing well after some weight issues. He lost a lot of weight his first two weeks and had a very slow growth rate for a couple weeks after that but we are thankfully on the up swing now and he's doing great!

2) Are you still nursing? What happened?

Yes, I'm still nursing! We went through a scary 48 hours where Elwood wasn't doing well with eating and having no BMs. We were at the doctor's A LOT! We did have to supplement with some formula and I was pumping and feeding him a bottle to make it easier on him. After weeks of mixing nursing, pumping, and bottle feeding I am so happy to say that he has been exclusively nursing for about a week now! I couldn't be more happy about this! I finally feel free! It was so tough to make sure I was home to pump and to keep track of milk intake and to keep milk fresh.

3) How is being a stay at home mom?

You know... it's so funny how life ends up. I've been working like a crazy woman since I was 15 years old and for the first time in my life I am just at home. (Well... it's not "just at home" because it's a lot of work. But not having a paid job.) I really thought that I would get a little itchy for something to do and that I would want something else. I have LOVED being home with Elwood. I've enjoyed being here with him 24/7 and having the chance to sow into him and my family. Will I ever go back to work? I have NO idea. But for right now I know the Lord is calling me to be at home and I am definitely ok with that :)

4) How did you guys do with the first week? (in regards to your loss)

We had the BEST doctors in the world. Both my OB and our pediatrician were so sensitive to our loss and our emotions. We stayed an extra day in the hospital (5 days total) just to be cautious. It was wonderful to know that Elwood was being watched 24/7 and that I didn't have to worry. We put Elwood in the nursery at night (which we didn't with Aiden) and we were blown away by the nurses in there. They reassured us emotionally and with his health all the time. We felt like they were our family for that week and they cared about Elwood just as much as we did.

The 3 day mark was hard. I was emotionally hurt thinking about that day with Aiden and just spent the day a little more attached to Elwood. I wasn't worried for him, but I couldn't help but have some scary thoughts and feelings. I got to tell Elwood about his brother and it was actually really helpful to just talk about it.

Our first night at home with Elwood was very sensitive. Ben and I were constantly checking him to make sure he was breathing and we just prayed over him all night long.

The next day took us by complete surprise. Just as we thought we were out of the woods we had a big scare. Elwood turned blue while I was nursing him. I immediately saw it and put him up and patted his back (while crying) and freaked out. He of course turned back and had his coloring and was totally fine but I totally lost it.

I called my friend Kim (SO thankful for her!) because she had this happen with her daughter and asked her what to do and what it meant. She assured me that he was ok and that he just forgot to breathe and that it does happen. She was a wonderful friend and stayed calm for me while I told her all my fears. I can't tell you how good it was to talk to someone who knew what I was saying even though I couldn't verbalize it completely.

The next 24 hours was when Elwood wasn't having any BMs and he wasn't eating. He became lethargic and sleepy so that's when we called our pediatrician and had to begin formula every 1 1/2 to 2 hours. Ben and I were an emotional wreck. Our best friends packed up their two boys and came over to just sit with us for the night. We didn't sleep at all and were just sitting there watching Elwood breathe. It was the most terrifying 48 hours of my life. I felt like his life was hanging by a thread. I know in reality it wasn't, but all our emotions and grief kicked it into high gear and we were scared.

That's probably the biggest reason I stopped blogging after he was born.


Before all this happened I simply didn't have time. But after this, it took me a long time to recover. And then I didn't know whether I wanted to talk about it or not. I didn't really tell anyone about it and I was just exhausted.

Thank GOD for my mom who spent the first two weeks with us and supported me more than I could have ever imagined someone could. She was my rock.

5) What is Elwood doing right now? What's the latest development?

Sweet Elwood is SMILING!!! Oh we are so blessed by his precious smile! He is also cooing away now and telling us all sorts of stories! It's neat to see him look you in the eye and coo about I don't even know what but he is so happy!

He's starting to not only recognize people but he gets very excited to see certain people and will zero in on them while they talk even if it's not to him. He loves listening in to conversations.

This baby LOVES music!! He enjoys worship at church and wiggles to music at home!

He can now turn his head from side to side while laying down when you call his name or have something he wants. He also is holding his head up for periods!

I was very impressed when a woman met him the other day and guessed he was 2 1/2 months old when he is only 7 1/2 weeks! I think he's an over-acheiver :)

My goal is to post at least once a week from here on out! Hopefully this was a good summary of everything and you feel caught up!

Ok the floor is open and I would LOVE to hear from you! You can either comment on this post or you can email me at amyktennant@gmail.com. I'm excited to answer some questions! Ask away! :)

Meet John Elwood Tennant!

We are so beyond blessed to share the news that our sweet son, Elwood, was born this morning!

7:38am
8 lbs 12 oz
19 1/2 in

We love this boy already :)

38 weeks & feelin' it!

Well we are 6 days away from our c-section and life is crazy! I don't know that I've ever been this excited, nervous, anxious, or worried. I wish I could lie and say that I'm over the moon excited and that I think this is going to be perfect and that everything is going to go smoothly.

I will fully admit that I've spent the past few weeks worried sick that something will go wrong or I won't be a good mom or that our baby won't make it.

Ben and I both dreaded putting the nursery together thinking "what's the point?" when we don't know if he'll be using this nursery or not. I know these are terrible thoughts and that they probably scare some of you, but after you lose a child that you put all of your time, energy, love, and affection toward it can be quite a gloomy vibe to attempt this again and fear you won't have the turnout you had prepared for.

I know that when the time comes and Elwood is born, I will fall madly in love with him. I know that my heart will melt and that I will dream BIG and love passionately and care for him sweetly. But 6 days away from delivery and I'm just not quite there yet. 

Ben and I are just praying like crazy that God would flood over us and that He would smooth out our fears and help us to fully engage. God has been so good to us and when I look back I am absolutely amazed at His grace and how He has tenderly brought us through so much.

But there is still a voice of fear.

I wish I had some perfect ending to this post. A glimmer of hope. A message of peace. But my heart is restless and my mind is a battle field. I know that God is FAITHFUL. I know that He will and has conquered this.