Written December 13, 2010
It has been 2 months since we lost our dear Aiden. Many of you have wondered how we are doing. This may be long, but I’m going to attempt to explain everything that has been going on with us.
I guess I’ll start with the beginning. I had a nearly perfect pregnancy. Aiden always had a very healthy and strong heartbeat, regular movements, and fully operating organs. There was absolutely nothing wrong with him. When I was eight months pregnant, I had a friend miscarry at 20 weeks and another deliver a stillborn very late in pregnancy. I was obviously shaken. A couple days later, I heard God tell me that there was something wrong with Aiden. I called Ben at work in tears and Ben stepped outside to talk with me. That night we spent hours praying over Aiden. We prayed for healing for him and that God would take care of him. We offered our son up to Him to do whatever He needed to. We told God that He had control.
We went in to be induced Friday, October 8th, 9 days after my due date. My contractions were steady and strong, but I was not dilating. They tried many different things to help me along in the process with dilation. By Saturday night, I was dilated 8 cm and getting closer to the big moment. Saturday night was the longest and most painful night of my life! I labored naturally throughout the process and by Sunday morning I was beyond exhausted and ready to have my baby. Sunday at 10:30am, the doctors came in and I was 9 cm but not progressing anymore. They decided to do a c-section. At that point, I knew that it was serious because it was in my plan to not have a c-section unless it was life or death. They immediately took me to the operating room. By 12:08pm, Aiden Heath Tennant was born! He was 8 lbs 8 oz and 21 inches long. Perfect, sweet, healthy baby boy. During my c-section they discovered his head was stuck in my pelvic bone so the operation took a bit longer than expected. I got back to my room and held Aiden for the first time at 2:00pm.
Words cannot express how incredibly amazing Aiden is. He looked up at me with his big, beautiful blue eyes and my heart melted. I told him how excited I was to finally meet him after waiting nearly 42 weeks! Ben and I, along with my family, spent that day totally enamored by Aiden’s presence. I never thought that any of our children would ever look like me, but Aiden was a little carbon copy of me. He had my hair, my eyes, my nose, my chin, our family ear hole, and the Buzza lips. But boy… His personality had Ben written all over it. He even slept in the same position.
Our hospital stay felt like forever. I was in the hospital a total of five days, of which I only slept a total of maybe twelve hours. Ben was the biggest help I could have ever had. He stayed right by my side every single moment. He changed Aiden’s diapers, he rocked him to sleep, he handed him to me for feedings, he got me food, he helped me change clothes, he took care of all the paperwork…everything. I don’t think people realize how big of a role husbands play in childbirth. I would have NEVER done it without him. I still look at Ben and wonder how he was able to take such good care of me without knowing anything about childbirth beforehand.
Tuesday morning the doctors got us ready for discharge. The pediatrician had seen Aiden three times and my doctors were impressed with how well I was recovering. By noon we were heading out of the hospital. It took us about thirty minutes to get home when normally it takes about fifteen because we wanted so badly to be careful in the car. We stopped by Kroger and got my prescriptions and some groceries. We got home by about 2:30 and Ben made some lunch while I fed Aiden and relaxed. We spent the afternoon letting Aiden sleep and we just stared at him. We sat in awe of his cuteness and talked about all the dreams and aspirations we had for his life.
That evening we had a couple friends over and I sat with Aiden on the couch and we just watched each other. I talked to him and kissed his sweet little cheeks. Ben and I gave Aiden his first bath and laughed at how much he loved getting his head rubbed with shampoo. We took the clamp off his belly button and all his hospital bracelets and anklets off.
At about 2am we decided to attempt to go to bed. Ben and I took turns rocking him to sleep. He still had his days and nights confused so he was wide awake. We all laid down at about 4:00am. I fed Aiden and we all fell asleep at about 4:30am. At 4:55am I woke up and asked Ben to take Aiden to his crib. When Ben picked him up, he realized Aiden wasn’t breathing. I immediately got up and called 911. The dispatcher gave me instructions for infant CPR and I relayed them to Ben as he performed CPR on Aiden. The ambulance was there in about three minutes. I ran down the stairs (although at that point I could barely walk because of the c-section) and met the paramedics to bring them upstairs. They brought Aiden down to the ambulance and Ben and I followed a cop to the hospital.
Ben and I screamed in tears on the way to the hospital praying for God to give Aiden breath and to revive him. We prayed that His will would be done and that He would give us everything we needed. We prayed for restoration for our son.
When we got to the hospital, it was only a few minutes before they brought us to the “counseling room”. As soon as she sat us down, I said to the nurse, “Aiden isn’t alive, is he?” She nodded her head. At that moment, my entire body went into shock and my heart dropped to the floor. I have never cried that much in my entire life. Ben and I at that point had no clue what just really happened. The next few hours are such a blur. We went and said goodbye to Aiden and prayed over him. We mourned over his body and made all the calls to family and friends. My mom and a few of our dear friends came the hospital.
Wednesday was the longest day of my life.
We went home from the hospital and were greeted by friends and family. I don’t even know why God chooses to bless us with such an amazing community of people that surrounded us. We received hundreds of texts, facebook messages, emails, phone calls, flowers, meals, cards, and visits.
It hit me and Ben Wednesday night what God had done. The night that we spent praying over Aiden when I was eight months pregnant was the night that God revived our son from the grave. We truly believe that Aiden was supposed to be a miscarriage. That night God heard our prayers and answered them by choosing to let us meet our son. He gave us three incredible days with our son. We never had to see him suffer or experience pain. My son never sinned. We never had to make hard decisions about his life. Aiden was perfect.
We spent the next few days completely immersed with community. Sunday night was Aiden’s memorial. God’s presence was so heavy that night. I felt so much restoration, healing, joy, and adoration of the King. We got to tell our story and share what God did. We got to praise the Creator, the Eloheim.
Written October 19, 2010
It’s only been six days since I held you, but somehow it feels like an eternity. I guess it’s because I love you so much that any moment without you sends chills down my spine. I can just see you staring Jesus in the face with your full effort half-smile.
I know with each passing moment you are giving God glory and honor. I’m trying hard to do the same. Your papa and I are clinging so hard to your memories. I hope you know that we miss you every second. Right now we’re trying to figure out our next step in life. We still don’t know how to function without you here. We’re just praying for God to give us a clear vision and open doors to full time ministry.
Your life inspires us to seek His presence, especially because you are there with Him. I think this trial is not temporary, but a life change. You have changed the core of me. I will never be the person I was before you were inside of me. I cherish each second you were living on this earth. You made me a momma. Thank you for helping me grow with God in a way that no one else could.
Written December 27, 2010
What does it mean to lose a child? It goes against nature’s order, it breaks the parents’ hearts, it causes confusion, it changes everything.
I’ve been studying Genesis 22 and Abraham’s bravery. He took his son to God to sacrifice him. How on earth did he have that kind of courage? I can barely share the gospel, let alone give up my son willingly! God took Aiden from us in His timing. He didn’t wait for us. We prayed continually for God to have control over my pregnancy and his life, but I don’t think we knew what we were getting ourselves into.
God did NOT take Aiden because He needed another angel. God doesn’t NEED anything. He chose Aiden for reasons we as humans will never know or understand. I know that answer doesn’t satisfy parents who have lost a child, but it is solely God’s will.
Don’t get me wrong, I’m not disrespecting professionals or counseling or support groups, but ONLY GOD can heal.
Only God can give you comfort. Only God can answer your questions. ONLY GOD can handle your grief.
Don’t search for someone to say the perfect thing or give you the advice you need. God will take care of that. Yes, God is going to use people to speak to you and people to hold and support you; but if you depend on people instead of God you will be desperately disappointed.
When the Almighty God gets a hold of your attention and you listen to Him, your life will change. Your attitude, mindset, your marriage, your day-to-day activities. God will never let you be the same.
I’m at the point in my life where I am so filled with grief, confusion, and change I have no clue what to do. Even shopping at the grocery store is a challenge. I feel constantly watched and judged. I can see people’s wheels turning as they watch my every move and wonder how I’m doing and how bad I must feel.
Please don’t assume the worst. When you look at me, do not think of the pain. Think of the joy in the morning that the Lord brings us every day. He is mighty to save, ever-forgiving and faithfully loving. We are not in need of anything but Him. We are not just survivors, we are conquerors. He does not leave us unattended.