Tuesday, August 23

Oh, brothers let's go down...

‎"Today the heart of God is an open wound of love. He aches over our distance and preoccupation. He mourns that we do not draw near to Him. He grieves that we have forgotten him. He weeps over our obsession with muchness and manyness. He longs for our presence."

Oh, brothers let's go down, let's go down... come on down. Oh, brothers let's go down... down to the river to pray.

The past few weeks God has really opened my eyes. Our GOD is incredibly involved. He sees every detail of every single fragment of humanity.

After sitting through Kelly Minter's taping of her teaching series for her new study on Nehemiah, I have seen God begin to break my heart.

Nehemiah had a heart that could break. Do I have a heart that can truly be broken for anyone but myself? I don't think I do yet.

I'm not a stone-cold person, but by no means do I care enough. Do I love enough. Do I pray enough. Do I reach out enough. Do I mean enough.

I'm also reminded of Jesus' sweet nature when He weeps over his friends' hurt. Lazarus dies and Mary and Martha are torn in pieces. Jesus doesn't weep because Lazarus died, he wept because his friends were hurting and grieving and it grieved Him also.

Oh how badly I desire for Jesus to break my heart! His passion is not to sit in a holy huddle and sing songs. His desire is to see our faith lived out! To see lives changed from dead to being alive! Am I really about that? Do I live my life with the gospel on my lips?

I'm praying that God would truly break my heart and help me to see those that are without Him, those that are hurting, those who need help.

I don't want to continue to live for myself and keep Jesus under my own nose. Because it is NOT about me. It's about Him.

Oh, Father teach me to see with Your eyes and feel with Your heart, instead of my own.

“When I said, “My foot is slipping,” your unfailing love, LORD, supported me. When anxiety was great within me, your consolation brought me joy.” Psalm 94:18-19

Wednesday, August 17

All the Baby Blues

Most women get a case of postpartum depression after their sweet bundle of joy arrives. Stress, sleep deprivation, an extended stay at home, and a crying infant can surely induce some depression. 

I was given the book "Empty Cradles, Broken Heart". In the book there are some chapters discussing subsequent pregnancy and children. This topic has been so heavy on my heart lately. It has really hit me with the heaviness of this pregnancy. Not to mention our "year" mark is coming up for Aiden's birth and death. It's so hard because I don't ever want it to come. I don't want to think about the fact that it's been a whole year without Aiden and that I still feel like it happened four hours ago.

My heart still hurts.

Being pregnant this time around has put me in a very vulnerable state. I have learned that ignorance is bliss. Experiencing all the "firsts" of pregnancy are so fun! Such joyful memories and special times with your baby and your family. But not many pregnant women have to deal with pain of loss.

I feel like a ticking time bomb walking around. I know people have a million questions they want to ask and have certain assumptions about the way I must feel. It's so hard to not assume people are being judgmental. I feel like I'm under a microscope.

I know that keeping myself relaxed and calm during this pregnancy is so important. Staying healthy is my main goal. But it's so difficult to try to relax and enjoy this when I'm fighting so many fears and doubt and pessimism. This baby deserves all my dreams and love and attention. This baby needs our excitement and anticipation. But I find myself holding back all of that. And I don't want to do that to this baby.

I haven't thought so far as to how to deal with the birth or having the baby at home or anything. All I can do is take it one step at a time. One hour at a time. I can't let myself obsess about the care of this next baby or the nursery or how to raise this child. All I can do is take every morning to put all of my fears, anxieties, doubts, and dreams in the hands of Jesus and pray that He gives me the strength and courage to live this one day the way He wants me to.

I know that losing Aiden is the hardest thing I will ever have to go through, but this pregnancy is probably a close second.

"These things I have spoken to you, that in Me you may have peace. In the world you will have tribulation; but be of good cheer, I have overcome the world." -John 16:33

Monday, August 8

The Must-Haves for the 1st Trimester

This second time around in pregnancy has already taught me a lot. In my first pregnancy, I would just sit in agony whenever I felt sick or tired. I never really knew what would help me.

This time I've been doing more research and trying to stay on top of that not-so-good feeling that this tiny baby gives me.

Here are some my tips:

1. Get enough sleep! There is nothing worse than a grumpy mama-to-be. Plus, if you get enough sleep you'll be one step ahead of the natural fatigue that will set in mid afternoon.

2. Munch all day long. Eat things that are actually good for you! Fruits, veggies, crackers, cheese, popcorn... anything that is light on the stomach but still has nutritional value. One of my favorite snacks is a Luna bar! They are specifically designed for women and has a lot of vitamins that give you energy.

3. Seek out extra time with God. One of the most daunting things in pregnancy is confusion. God is NOT a god of confusion, which is why it is so important to carve out time to seek truth from the one person that can cut through it all and get straight to the heart.

4. Spend as much time as you can with your husband. Believe it or not, he wants to be a part of the pregnancy too! The closeness you experience with your spouse is one you cannot duplicate.

5. Keep going! It's good to take a rest from time to time during the day, but just sitting around will only cause you to think about your tiredness and nausea more. Having a good and balanced schedule can keep you on track :)

6. Finding time to relax. Take a bath, light candles, put on your favorite music, take a drive, cook your favorite meal. Do whatever it takes to de-stress and allow yourself to truly relax and be calm. Peace can cure your soul.

7. Keep snacks in your purse! I have taken advantage of this tip and it has really turned my days around. When I'm waiting on a table at a restaurant when I feel like I am dying of hunger, that little snack has gotten me through!

8. Take the time to read pregnancy books and dream about your baby. This is a particularly hard area for me in this pregnancy, but it is so important. It's hard for me to dream and desire this child, not knowing if I will lose another. It brings back memories and pain, but ultimately, I get to dream about this new baby. And this child deserves my dreams and wishes and aspirations. Dreaming leads to believing.

It's been a really good week. Ben has been working nonstop and will continue this through the next week, but the time we do have together we have been very intentional.

We had so much fun telling our families about the baby in special ways that surprised them! We even got some of them on videotape :) These are the kind of moments I will remember forever!

Have a great week everyone!

Thursday, August 4

Praise God from whom ALL blessings flow...

Well our news is out! We are pregnant with baby #2!!!!!! We can't wait to welcome this child in March :) It's been a very emotional couple months but every day we're getting more adjusted to this amazing little baby growing inside me.

Over 4th of July I checked my calendar to see that I was definitely late. So a few days later, I took "the test" (the fun thing that no one likes to talk about...) and it was negative. I brushed it off and said, "Well, maybe next month!" I wasn't upset or sad, just relieved to have an answer. I figured if I was truly late than the test is 99% effective.

Two weeks go by and I start getting pretty sick. I mean... stomach flu sick. Feverish, stomach turning, feeling worn out. So of course I tell Ben that I need to go to a walk-in clinic because I'm pretty sure I have the bug going around.

Ben says, "Why don't you take one more pregnancy test just to make sure?" So I lightly get a test and take it. After a few minutes I picked up the test without even looking at it and yell, "Ben, I'm not pregnant!!" Only to look down and see a second line! And I say, "Oh my gosh..." Ben comes running in and says, "You're pregnant, aren't you?!" And I hesitantly say, "Apparently so!"

We cried, hugged, and sat in total shock!!! It was not even on my radar that I could be pregnant. God totally surpassed all our expectations and decided to blow us away with this baby!!

{Praise God from whom all blessings flow
Praise Him all creatures here below
Praise Him above ye heavenly hosts
Praise Father, Son, & Holy Ghost.

Needless to say that things in the Tennant household are going to be changing over the next few months. And also, that means a bit of change for my blog as well!

I want to continue writing through this journey of grief, because I know it is only going to intensify through this next pregnancy as it already has. But I'd like to also write about some of my philosophies about pregnancy and birth. I'm not sure how it's all going to come together yet, but I'm excited to see what God gives me to write about.

Please continue to pray for Ben and I through this process. We have a long road ahead, but a blessed road it is!