Fear

I've been having intense nightmares for the last few weeks. It's been revolving around this idea of losing Ben. Whether it be that he leaves me for another woman or he dies suddenly... it's been driving me crazy! And has put me on an emotional roller coaster.

I know what it is like to lose someone you love dearly.

On Sunday our pastor was discussing the fear of death and the fear of safety. It sparked so many thoughts in my head, because I don't fear my own death. I fear the death of my husband and my kids. I fear the loss of them in my life. Because in my head, I couldn't do life without Ben. He is my best friend and has walked the hardest road alongside me with love, support, kindness and strength.

A wave of shock overcame me on Sunday as our pastor was speaking because after almost three years I have never known this about myself. I've seen all the symptoms but never acknowledged the condition. This fear controls a lot of my life. I get nervous in the car when we have to put on the breaks suddenly. I lose it when something even slightly scary happens in our neighborhood. I imagine getting "the phone call" every time Ben drives away and I assume he is going to get in an accident.

I know God doesn't want me to live this way. He does not want us to fear.

For God did not give us a spirit of timidity, but a spirit of power, of love and of self-discipline. -2 Timothy 1:7 

Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid or terrified because of them, for the LORD your God goes with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you." -Deuteronomy 31:6 

When I am afraid, I will trust in you.  In God, whose word I praise, in God I trust; I will not be afraid. What can mortal man do to me? -Psalm 56:3-4 

There is no fear in love. But perfect love drives out fear, because fear has to do with punishment. The one who fears is not made perfect in love. -1 John 4:18

I took Elwood to the park this morning and on my way home I was listening to an interview of Matt Redman about his song "10,000 Reasons". He told a story of an older man that loved the Lord who had gotten sick and was on his death bed. He called in all his family and friends and asked that they sing "10,000 Reasons" as he passed away. I teared up immediately hearing about how the man said he wanted to be raised into Heaven singing His praises because he wasn't afraid of death. He wasn't scared to meet Jesus, but rather much the opposite.

Matt Redman talked about how he couldn't believe that God was using that song for such an eternal purpose. He said that concerts and recordings are so limited but hearing the stories of how the song is changing lives and moving Heaven are overwhelming.

Oh, how I desire to have that confidence in Him.

I'm learning to trust Him in all circumstances. He's never failed me and I know He never will. Leaning into my fear gives me the opportunity to surrender it, letting God the chance to take control and ease it. His yoke is easy and His burden is light. The burdens I think I carry are only my own. They are heavy weighted, difficult, messy and hurtful. But as soon as I can give it to God, it disapates immediately.

10,000 Reasons by Matt Redman (emphasis mine)

Bless the Lord, O my soul
O my soul
Worship His holy name
Sing like never before
O my soul
I'll worship Your holy name

The sun comes up, it's a new day dawning
It's time to sing Your song again
Whatever may pass, and whatever lies before me
Let me be singing when the evening comes

You're rich in love, and You're slow to anger
Your name is great, and Your heart is kind
For all Your goodness I will keep on singing
Ten thousand reasons for my heart to find

And on that day when my strength is failing
The end draws near and my time has come
Still my soul will sing Your praise unending
Ten thousand years and then forevermore
Jesus, I'll worship Your holy name
Lord, I'll worship Your holy name

When Strength Isn't Enough

I feel defeated by a lot of things right now. The last few weeks have overwhelmed me with life circumstances that I can neither control or fix. I feel inadequate most days to be the wife, mom, sister, daughter, and friend I should be. I fall short and often fail at what I think I should be doing.

But when I read the Word and soak in God's story, I see that no one was enough. Not one person (I mean person, not Christ) measured up to what God had planned for them. Nor did anyone in the Bible know how important they were regardless of their shortcomings or successes. We're just all human beings doing the best we can to pursue Christ and godliness.

Exposed beyond the shadows
You take the cup from me
Your dirt removes my blindness
Your pain becomes my peace 
                                     -Jars of Clay

I am frail. Nothing I do, say, or touch is stable. Because I am not stable. Not without Christ. I'm learning to place my hope and trust in Him, leaning into my weakness so it is exposed and God can work on me.

A lot of things in life terrify me right now. The road ahead looks scary and difficult. Finishing out this pregnancy, having three little ones under age two, grieving the hardest season of the year for us in October, and the many crazy days at our house to come... But I take comfort knowing my strength isn't enough. And thank the Lord! My strength would get me to about... this afternoon. Then it would fade and fail.

"Let the morning bring me word of your unfailing love, for I have put my trust in you. Show me the way I should go, for to you I entrust my life." -Psalm 143:8

The Truth about Twin Pregnancy

At our first ultrasound, I was so nervous to hear that baby's heartbeat. Just to know that everything was ok and we could have that sigh of relief. When the ultrasound tech told me to take a deep breath, I was expecting the worst. What I didn't expect was to see two sacs, two babies, and two heartbeats. It took my breath away...

After hours of crying and hyperventilating, I could slowly breathe and at least start to process two babies.

I'm in my 25th week of pregnancy with two girls and I knew that this pregnancy would be different, but I didn't think it would rock my world as it has.

This is no regular pregnancy.

You would think my third time around and I would feel like a pro, but this pregnancy has thrown me for a loop.

I've been way more vulnerable to sickness.
In my first trimester, I had two nasty stomach viruses. I've had a couple little colds, allergies, and just generally under the weather much more easily.

Tiredness doesn't even begin to cover it.
I didn't know how hard this pregnancy would be on me. Every few hours I need a break. Just to put my feet up and rest. I go to bed super early every night and pray I get to sleep eight hours. The weekends are amazing for naps and extra rest. Ben is so great about running errands with Elwood so I can have some downtime.

All the questions.
When someone finds out I'm pregnant with twins, they have a million questions. In all honesty, I don't really have answers! I'm learning everything on the fly because I never thought I'd be here. I've done a lot of research online and asked a lot of questions at my appointments.

Tests, tests, tests.
I've been overwhelmed by ultrasounds at every appointment and all the tests they've been running to make sure everything is on track. Soon I'll start non stress tests every week for the girls. My appointments used to be 45 minutes but now I expect to be there around three hours. I've started taking some extra supplements to help keep my levels normal.

All the ity bity buys.
The little things add up quickly. Bigger maternity clothes, food, another crib, clothes for the girls, and all sorts of baby stuff that has snuck up on me this time! I thought I would be able to use what we have, I didn't know we'd be buying more.

Speaking of food....
I have never been so hungry in my entire life. The amount of food I eat everyday is unreal. Our food budget has definitely expanded as my belly grows. I have to eat every couple hours and cravings are insane! The cravings are so intense and literally have to have it.

Precautions, limitations, and rules...
I had a lot of flexibility when I was pregnant with the boys and I guess I wasn't aware of how a twin pregnancy is much different. I just got the word on no more traveling and to be resting more. I definitely watched my activity with the boys and was careful, but I feel like I have a magnifying glass on me this time.

I am overjoyed by these sweet girls and so looking forward to when they arrive. I've been counting down the weeks until I get to meet their precious little faces! This is going to be quite the adventure. I'm new to girls and very new to this twin thing!

More to come....

Called

Funny how God surprises me daily.

I planned out my goals for 2013 and had this idea of how things would go. 2012 was a wonderful but very hard year and I was down right determined to see 2013 become something new.

New it is.

Only 17 days in and God has already surprised me with what He has planned. I feel like new year's eve was eons ago.

Something encouraging about this year thus far is that I'm actually sticking with my goals. I'm eating healthier and exercising. I'm saying "no" more often. I've spent time with my husband. I met with a group of girls and I feel so encouraged.

But even with a list of things to accomplish that I think will make my life better, it has still been a huge struggle.

Huge.

I'm not throwing the list out the window and I'm not starting over because I think God really led me to write that list and stick to it, but God also is teaching me that the list isn't going to change my life, HE is.

All of the things on my list lead me in the right direction, encourage me, spur me on, get me healthy emotional and physically... But God told me, "I wish it were that easy, but it's not."

Following Christ, being His disciple, and living out faith requires so much more. It is pushing me to new heights. Do I really believe? Am I really following? Am I abiding?

I've been listening to a song by All Sons and Daughters on repeat. It has really spoken to my heart about where God has me.

You Have Called Me Higher

I could just sit

I could just sit and wait for all your goodness

Hope to feel your presence

And I could just stay

I could just stay right where I am and hope to feel you

Hope to feel something again

And I could hold on

I could hold on to who I am and never let You change me from the inside

And I could be safe

I could be safe here in Your arms and never leave home

Never let these walls down

But you have called me higher

You have called me deeper

And I will go where you will lead me Lord

You have called me higher

You have called me deeper

And I will go where you lead me Lord

Where you lead me

Where you lead me Lord

And I will be Yours

I will be Yours for all my life

So let Your mercy light the path before me

Our New Family

Happy New Year!!!

I started off the new year with a new 'do! I cut off 11 inches and donated my hair to Locks of Love to start the year off right. It was time for my long locks to be rid of because I have a little one who loves to pull, grab, and rip out my hair. So I decided to go big and cut it all off.

So I sat down this morning and really thought about this year. I'll admit, I've always thought new years resolutions are pretty silly, cheesy, and kind of pointless. What makes you think that just because the year number changes that you are going to all the sudden turn a new chapter and do things differently? What's the point in waiting for the new year? Why not start December 31?

Well, I don't have an eloquent answer except asking myself why God would even give us new years to begin with if He didn't want to differentiate time? So... if we get a number change each year why can't we have a heart/life change too?

So I've jumped on the band wagon and decided to make resolutions.

#1: Make more FAMILY time.

Time for me and Ben and Elwood to just be us. We've spent the last year driving around and around seeing everyone and making every effort to be at everything. We have become a "yes" family to everything and it leaves us with little time (and money) to do anything together as a family. We LOVE spending time with our friends and family, but I've lost sight of putting my husband and children first.

This year has left us exhausted, out of touch with each other, busy, over-commited, and broke! (Gas costs A LOT)

So we are going to try our best to say "no" more often and say "yes" to our family time!

#2: For the things I'm committing to, give it MORE.

God has led me to a few things I want to invest my time in. I don't want to give it half my effort and skim the surface anymore. I want to give God room to dig deeper into the things I'm involved in. So no more distractions (less Facebook, instagram, and other social medias!). Time to sink in deeper instead of being present at more than one place.

#3: Get healthy!

I have a lot of time that I spend with Elwood during the day. We play, read books, sing songs, and run errands. During this time I'm going to try my best to do exercises as much as I can. The idea of "working out" (going to a gym, etc) sounds wonderful but realistically isn't going to happen. (See goal #5)

So in between books, balls, and blocks I'm going to do crunches, jumping jacks, and fun yoga moves!

#4: Go to a conference.

Ben and I have made it our goal for each of us to attend a conference that interests us. Something to fill us up, inspire us, and time to dedicate to our dreams!

The hardest part is picking something! Shoot me ideas if you have them :)

#5: Budget, budget, budget! Get debt free!

Ben and I have cut way back on our excess spending, but have acquired more needs! We are feeding another person now! And he needs certain things that cost money.

Somehow we are going to reduce our spending, chip away at our debt and maintain a healthy home financially. If we don't need it, don't buy it! (This is why I'm not spending money on a gym membership, etc)

#6: Spoil my husband.

The last year has put a lot of stress on us in several ways. Some good, some not so good. In all honesty since things have gotten so crazy, my marriage has not come first. I love Ben, of course, but I haven't shown him the way I should. We've both had a ton on our plates.

Over New Years break we were able to spend some much needed quality time together and I am hooked! I love this man deeply and I desire nothing else but to be his wife and to do it well. Incorporating some of the other goals (such as saying "no" more often and to giving him more) will help me make time for him. He deserves it!

So here's the list. It's a good thing I'm publicizing this because otherwise I may not have had enough motivation to make this stuff happen. Please feel free to email me in June and ask me if I'm still working on these things! I'll need it!