Sunday, January 2


It's been a few days since I last posted for several reasons. We've had a busy week with lots of hours put in at work and we also had family in town.

The actual truth is that I feel that I've had a relapse in recovery. Earlier this week I got to spend some incredible time with God. I got to read and pray and study and write. I felt His presence and His voice. I was able to get down on my knees before Him.

Then we received a bill in the mail from the ambulance.

I don't even know why, but seeing Aiden's name on a piece of mail just made my blood boil. Then I opened it and the first thing it said was "I'm sorry for your loss." And at that point, something in me just switched. My heart started beating faster and my attitude went from ok to absolutely furious.

I hate the "aftermath". Bills, social security, birth/death certificates, insurance... blah, blah, blah. I thought we had taken care of all that. Apparently not.

For whatever reason, it struck a chord in me and I haven't been able to shake it since. The last few days I have been so angry and hurt and upset and sad. I feel like it's the day Aiden died all over again. I keep re-living it every morning.

Even as I'm typing this, I am so frustrated because the spell checker has Aiden's name underlined in red because it's not in their dictionary. I would love to punch whoever is in charge of the spell checker.

I'm in the middle of reading "Choosing to SEE" by Mary Beth Chapman. It is an amazing book. She is so honest and upfront about her and Steven's life. I love their story. It reminds me a lot of me and Ben's. They met and married young. They got pregnant right away. It's neat to read her point of view and be totally blunt with their struggles and crazy roller coaster of a life because we have much of the same story.

What hurts so much is that she is able to put it all together and she sees the big picture. Although I know what the big picture is and I could explain it detail by detail, I don't feel it right now.

I am so overwhelmed with grief and trauma that I can't even make myself go to work. I can't check people out and say "Happy New Year" when it's not a happy one for me. 

Ben said it so clearly. "I don't know how to move on." And I think that's exactly how I feel. I really don't know how to live life anymore. I go to work, pay the bills, watch tv, read books, hang out with family, see friends... But no one knows what's going on deep down.

I'm fairly certain that people think it IS time to move on for us. But it's not! It seems to only be getting harder as the days pass on and I'm starting to lose my breath. It seems like all of my friends have slowly faded away because it's time for them to continue living their lives, which is totally normal! But we can't do that. We don't know how. And the strange thing is... I don't know that anyone can even be here for us and help us live. What can they do anyway?

I'm struggling so much to socialize and see people. I don't even know what I want or need. All I know is tears right now. They just keep coming everyday and there is no way to stop them.

"Don't you know the sun will shine on you again? No matter how small the flame against the darkness don't you know the light will win?"