Wednesday, April 13


Six months ago my sweet Aiden was taken into Heaven. It was the most horrible day of my entire life.

What does that look like?

Well... yesterday I stayed in my PJs, didn't shower, cried a lot, didn't do anything and I laid in bed most of the day until Ben got home. Today, I woke up with Ben and am in a great mood... ready to take on the day and excited about what God is doing!

So the answer the question, what does it look like?

Every moment is different.

I honestly don't know what it looks like.

I'm probably just as confused as you are, if not more.

It's been a long couple weeks, which is why I have been absent from the blogging world. We've been in a tough spot. We've had a lot of friends and family have some really hard things going on and we ourselves have been struggling.

We're overwhelmed with finances, emotions, arguments, and chaos. We still don't know how to live and how to operate on a day to day basis. 

The days have become longer and things seem to be dragging along and I'm just here for the ride.

Here I am six months after my son dies and I can honestly say I still don't have anyone I can call and really tell them how I'm doing. It's been tough on me, it's been tough on our marriage, it's just been tough.

Yesterday Ben got home and found that I hadn't done anything and that I'd been upset all day. He had been that way a few days before and yesterday the LORD gave him some powerful words that switched my attitude pretty quickly.

When Ben and I got married, I was working two part time jobs and didn't even make enough money to pay rent. Ben was finishing his degree and was driving to and from Cookeville everyday. We were the definition of broke. We never paid a bill late.

Then in May I quit my jobs and Ben was still looking. We went 8 weeks without a paycheck and still, the LORD provided. After 8 long weeks, Ben was offered a job. Wow! We were thrilled.

If God was faithful to bring us through the desert of no finances and continue to provide for us, did we really think He was going to just stop?

Maybe it's time that I stop trying to get better, and I start leaning into God with everything (no matter how small it may seem) I have. It's been a long, long six months. The pain is still very real. I still miss my son each moment I breathe.

[Come, all you who are thirsty, 
   come to the waters; 
and you who have no money, 
   come, buy and eat! 
Come, buy wine and milk 
   without money and without cost. 
 Why spend money on what is not bread, 
   and your labor on what does not satisfy? 
Listen, listen to me, and eat what is good, 
   and you will delight in the richest of fare. 
 Give ear and come to me; 
   listen, that you may live.]

-Isaiah 55:1-3

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Wednesday, April 6

The results are in

After nearly six months, Aiden's autopsy report arrived.

We have been waiting and waiting and waiting. We've gone over every scenario in our heads, we've played the "What If" game hundreds of times, and I've had dozens of nightmares replaying that day. Sometimes I still wonder if anything could have changed what happened to Aiden.

The funeral director called me Monday morning to say that it had arrived and we could pick it up. So I called Ben and we decided he could leave work early so we could go by before they close. We pulled up at 4:35pm and found that they had closed early because of the storms.


That is A LOT to have hanging over your head for an entire day.

We called our pediatrician to see if he had heard anything. We called when we got home and it was about 5:15pm. The office was closed and I won't get into detail... but the lady on the after hours line was completely rude and said she would not let us speak with our doctor because the office is closed.

So we went home to wait...

Our dear friends brought us dinner and that helped to distract us. We laid down that night and just prayed for the Lord to give us patience.

I had dream after dream about Aiden all night.

Ben and I woke up and immediately got in the car to drive over the funeral home.

We walked in, got the form, and were shocked.

"Cause of death could not be determined."


After months and months and months... Nothing.

No closure.

No answers.

No place to put our anger.

Except for one thing.

It confirms what we already knew. This was 100% without a doubt THE LORD'S WILL.

For me as a human... it seems like it's just not enough. It doesn't satisfy me. It doesn't comfort me. It doesn't fulfill all my aching.

The Lord is good and faithful to His promises to uphold us. I know that God has the answers and that He just didn't want us to know them yet.

But because we're human, we want to know. I want to know. I want to understand.

God is helping me with my disbelief and my unsettledness.

Now all we can do is breathe. Live life. Grief well. And hold on to each other. And see God work.

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