Tuesday, January 28

When There Isn't Time

Just eight short weeks ago I gave birth to two very precious little girls. I have a 22 month old son and my sweet Aiden would be three years old. Life has flown by at warp speed. 

Grief doesn't know time. It doesn't have boundaries.

This weekend my family and I had a very near dangerous experience in the car and one of my girls was almost hurt. 

My body, mind and heart was paralyzed. I literally felt like my heart was going to explode and I was going into shock.

I grabbed my phone thinking we may have to call 911 and the flashbacks started. Flickers of the horrible 911 call I made when Aiden wasn't breathing. And all the events that followed. I lost my breath. I couldn't breathe. My husband pulled Milly out of the car and was assuring me she was fine and I covered my face in fear that she wasn't.

Three years and three kids later and the grief is so different. I look back at those months immediately following Aiden's death and I'm pretty sure I'm more shaken now than when it happened.

Adrenalin is a powerful thing in crisis. It debilitates you from feeling and gets you to act. Those months, probably the first year, was acted out of that adrenalin. Slowly life moved on and I became so much more aware -- the ability to feel grew.

I think it's only been in the last year or less that I've been able to sort through things.

I've found myself broken. So incredibly weak and wounded, so bruised, so full of fear and insecurity. Grief has seeped into every area of my life and I'm just beginning to peel back the layers.

Time has brought me to a place of remembrance and realization that I desperately need Jesus more than I've ever thought. I mean... We all need Jesus. When we mess up, when we need provision, when we seek guidance. 

But I need Jesus DAILY. I need Him every moment. Because my feet fail me in the most simple circumstances. 

But Jesus never fails me.

Here I am in life feeling like I'm sinking -- seeing defeat in so many areas in my life and He has been waiting for me in these quiet and loud moments to sing peace over me.

I choose Him. I choose Him over fear, hurt, confusion, exhaustion or pain. I choose to give it all to Him. 

And it feels good. Because now I'm not alone or scared but lifted up, encouraged, full of hope. I can put my confidence in His faithfulness. Deep assurance fills my spirit knowing He never gives up.

"He will cover you with his feathers, 
      and under his wings you will find refuge;
           his faithfulness will be your shield and rampart."
                                          -Psalm 91:4