We have been waiting and waiting and waiting. We've gone over every scenario in our heads, we've played the "What If" game hundreds of times, and I've had dozens of nightmares replaying that day. Sometimes I still wonder if anything could have changed what happened to Aiden.
The funeral director called me Monday morning to say that it had arrived and we could pick it up. So I called Ben and we decided he could leave work early so we could go by before they close. We pulled up at 4:35pm and found that they had closed early because of the storms.
That is A LOT to have hanging over your head for an entire day.
We called our pediatrician to see if he had heard anything. We called when we got home and it was about 5:15pm. The office was closed and I won't get into detail... but the lady on the after hours line was completely rude and said she would not let us speak with our doctor because the office is closed.
So we went home to wait...
Our dear friends brought us dinner and that helped to distract us. We laid down that night and just prayed for the Lord to give us patience.
I had dream after dream about Aiden all night.
Ben and I woke up and immediately got in the car to drive over the funeral home.
We walked in, got the form, and were shocked.
"Cause of death could not be determined."
After months and months and months... Nothing.
No place to put our anger.
Except for one thing.
It confirms what we already knew. This was 100% without a doubt THE LORD'S WILL.
For me as a human... it seems like it's just not enough. It doesn't satisfy me. It doesn't comfort me. It doesn't fulfill all my aching.
The Lord is good and faithful to His promises to uphold us. I know that God has the answers and that He just didn't want us to know them yet.
But because we're human, we want to know. I want to know. I want to understand.
God is helping me with my disbelief and my unsettledness.
Now all we can do is breathe. Live life. Grief well. And hold on to each other. And see God work.
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