Well we are 6 days away from our c-section and life is crazy! I don't know that I've ever been this excited, nervous, anxious, or worried. I wish I could lie and say that I'm over the moon excited and that I think this is going to be perfect and that everything is going to go smoothly.
I will fully admit that I've spent the past few weeks worried sick that something will go wrong or I won't be a good mom or that our baby won't make it.
Ben and I both dreaded putting the nursery together thinking "what's the point?" when we don't know if he'll be using this nursery or not. I know these are terrible thoughts and that they probably scare some of you, but after you lose a child that you put all of your time, energy, love, and affection toward it can be quite a gloomy vibe to attempt this again and fear you won't have the turnout you had prepared for.
I know that when the time comes and Elwood is born, I will fall madly in love with him. I know that my heart will melt and that I will dream BIG and love passionately and care for him sweetly. But 6 days away from delivery and I'm just not quite there yet.
Ben and I are just praying like crazy that God would flood over us and that He would smooth out our fears and help us to fully engage. God has been so good to us and when I look back I am absolutely amazed at His grace and how He has tenderly brought us through so much.
But there is still a voice of fear.
I wish I had some perfect ending to this post. A glimmer of hope. A message of peace. But my heart is restless and my mind is a battle field. I know that God is FAITHFUL. I know that He will and has conquered this.