Love to Life

It's 3:15am and I haven't slept at all yet.

I couldn't sleep and conveniently neither could Elwood. He's been up every hour or so wanting to be held and poor thing has a cold that he's fighting and he just doesn't feel well.

So I finally get frustrated that I can't sleep so I come downstairs and do the dishes. Yes, at 3am I'm downstairs scrubbing pots and pans and loading the dishwasher. And as I'm doing this, Elwood is crying upstairs. I run up and grab him and we rock.

We rocked in his room and the closer I held him, the more calm he got. For about fifteen minutes he just stared at me. He used his hands to feel my face and look in my eyes. *This one of those mama moments you never forget.

After about thirty minutes he finally gives in and lays his head on my chest. And I hum a lullaby until he falls asleep. But as I hum I can't help but get teary eyed just looking at my beautiful son who sweetly needs his mama tonight for reasons I can only guess.

I crept downstairs and decided I was going to catch up on my reading and blogs that I follow. Tammie Head is an amazing woman of God that has written a bible study and speaks around the country. I read her blog often and tonight I sat down to read her latest post (found here).

Can Jesus handle your pain? Tammie answers absolutely.

I love the point she makes that the modern church tends to glaze over pain and tell us that Jesus conquers it and that we can live victoriously in Him. (Which is true!)

But then she says what I know God really means -- 

“Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light.” -Matthew 11:28-30

Crawl into the lap of Jesus and let Him LOVE you to life. What sweet words from our Savior. He desires to love us deeply, not just skip all the details. He wants to know everything. He wants to heal every part of us.

This encouraged me so much as a reminder that as I rocked my son who I love more than I can even describe in the middle of the night; Jesus desires to do the same with my soul.

So I'm downstairs with a cup of hot tea at 3:30am letting the Lord love on me.

Let Him love you to life. What a sweet, precious, intimate, and holy God I love that will sit and be with me.

Tonight I'm thankful.

A Day of Remembrance

Two years ago we say goodbye to Aiden.

Our hearts sank to the lowest it will ever be and we said our final goodbyes to our baby here on Earth. Time stood still as we grieve the most horrible thing anyone ever could -- losing our child.

I wish I could say that two years later we have all the answers and that we have peace. But there is no peace in death on this Earth; only in Heaven.

So today we grieve as we do every day -- missing our son and wishing we had more time with him.

We are blessed by the outpour of support and love. Thank you to everyone who has reached out to us.

Today we grieve.

Today we remember.

Today we stand broken, yet redeemed.

{The Lord is close the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit. -Psalm 34:18}

Happy 2nd Birthday, Aiden!

This year looks much different than last year.

Today our first son would have been 2 years old.

How I wish I could see him running around, talking, giving us kisses, opening presents, eating cake, and having fun with friends.

But today we grieve and celebrate two years since I became a mom.

Aiden, you changed me forever. You made me a mama. And I miss you more than words could ever say.

Today I remember such sweet moments with you. I reflect on God's glory that He showed me through you. You are a piece of the Father.

Thank you, God, for creating Aiden. We are so grateful to have met him and spent three breathtaking days with him.

Raw

I'm on the most important journey of my life.

I'm at a pivotal point where I can choose healing or I can let Satan continue to attack me.

It's been almost two years since my world got turned upside down and I'm just now beginning to unwrap the situation. For two years I've delicately decided when and how to "deal" with my grief. Really when I feel it to be convenient or when I'm feeling inspired to "get better" or "be better".

Grief doesn't work that way. Grief is a moody, unexpected, all the time, in your face kind of emotion. I used to think it was something that was always in the back of your mind, but that you can return to normal life and deal with it when you feel like it.

When the reality is that grief affects every single move you make. Every conversation, relationship, decision, and emotion. Grief is the thing that if you don't confront it, it may slowly destroy you. {will destroy you...}

I have gracefully walked out the last two years strongly with a spiritually sound attitude and positive outlook.

Two years later, I can say that I am now in a more realistic and even more spiritual walk.

Grief is ugly.

I can tell you that a lot of people around me say that I'm strong, positive, put together, and even normal. But the truth is that I'm broken.

Brokenness is where God found me. It's where He can deal with me. It's where He can start.

I feel like I'm raw. The past two years has beat me over and over again with no break or chance to recover.

{I've been going back and forth and writing and editing this particular post for about 3 weeks because I didn't know how much and what I wanted to share. Because the truth is I don't even want to write it. But I'm even more scared of what will happen if I don't.}

So here I am. Broken. Raw. Hurt. Depressed. Sad. Mad. Constantly anxious. And everything in between.

I don't want Elwood to live in the shadow of my grief.

I think that's one of my biggest fears. That he will never have a normal life because of my grief. I know I'm not "normal" anymore but I don't want to inflict all of my anxiety on him.

Will you pray with us?

We need good listening friends that can bear some heavy weight. We need encouragement. We need prayers.

We're at a loss of where to go from here. We're seeking God like crazy; going to any measure it takes to know Him more deeply and to feel His embrace.

To be continued...