Hold You Near

There's a reason cities build walls up. They are protective, deliberately separating structures that take time, effort, skill, and intention to construct. They aren't forgiving or flexible; they are sturdy, solid and longstanding.

Why do people build these walls? These walls that are so thoughtfully and carefully built to make sure that no hurt, mistrust, or pain can enter. Whether the wall is there for one person or several people, walls constrict you from true freedom.

I've built these walls. I've spent night after night thinking out how to make the wall just perfect so as to protect myself as much as possible. Terrified of ridicule or rejection, I have moved very inch of discomfort into another brick on the wall. I'm very quick to think of myself first in these walls, not how it may affect others. Sometimes I build the walls so high I can't see over them for miles upon miles.

The last few months have been so humbling and I have slowly began to tear down walls that I've probably built for years.

But now's the time to let the walls come crumbing down.

Because a life with walls is a life of solitude, fear, and self-loathing. Because a life with walls is no life at all.

O Lord, you have searched me and known me!
 You know when I sit down and when I rise up;
    you discern my thoughts from afar.
 You search out my path and my lying down
    and are acquainted with all my ways.
 Even before a word is on my tongue,
    behold, O Lord, you know it altogether.
 You hem me in, behind and before,
    and lay your hand upon me.
 Such knowledge is too wonderful for me;
    it is high; I cannot attain it.

 Where shall I go from your Spirit?
    Or where shall I flee from your presence?
 If I ascend to heaven, you are there!
    If I make my bed in Sheol, you are there!
 If I take the wings of the morning
    and dwell in the uttermost parts of the sea,
 even there your hand shall lead me,
    and your right hand shall hold me.
 If I say, “Surely the darkness shall cover me,
    and the light about me be night,”
 even the darkness is not dark to you;
    the night is bright as the day,
    for darkness is as light with you.

 For you formed my inward parts;
    you knitted me together in my mother's womb.
 I praise you, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made.
Wonderful are your works;
    my soul knows it very well.
 My frame was not hidden from you,
when I was being made in secret,
    intricately woven in the depths of the earth.
 Your eyes saw my unformed substance;
in your book were written, every one of them,
    the days that were formed for me,
    when as yet there was none of them.

 How precious to me are your thoughts, O God!
    How vast is the sum of them!
 If I would count them, they are more than the sand.
    I awake, and I am still with you.

                                        -Psalm 139:1-18

Finding that deep assurance of God's love for me takes guts. It takes me surrendering my pride, my fear, and my discomfort to Him. Every time I feel that wall rising in me, I have to push it down and pray for God's guidance. Is it fear of rejection? Time to be bold and to say it anyway. Has this person hurt me in the past? Time to forgive and move forward. Is it confusion? Time to search for Truth. Is it self preservation? Time to swallow my pride and be ok with being wrong. Is it fear of failure? Time to get back up.

Because life is messy. And if I waste my time trying to make it perfect then I'll miss the beauty of growth and forgiveness. I'll miss His new mercies that are free to me daily. I'll miss out on real relationships and only scratch the surface with people.

I desire strong, satisfying relationships that I can lean on and live life alongside of. I'm stretching deeper within myself to have a joyful, bountiful marriage. I'm leaning harder on those few people God has placed in my life for friendship that lasts a lifetime.