It's been a few days since I last posted for several reasons. We've had a busy week with lots of hours put in at work and we also had family in town.
The actual truth is that I feel that I've had a relapse in recovery. Earlier this week I got to spend some incredible time with God. I got to read and pray and study and write. I felt His presence and His voice. I was able to get down on my knees before Him.
Then we received a bill in the mail from the ambulance.
I don't even know why, but seeing Aiden's name on a piece of mail just made my blood boil. Then I opened it and the first thing it said was "I'm sorry for your loss." And at that point, something in me just switched. My heart started beating faster and my attitude went from ok to absolutely furious.
I hate the "aftermath". Bills, social security, birth/death certificates, insurance... blah, blah, blah. I thought we had taken care of all that. Apparently not.
For whatever reason, it struck a chord in me and I haven't been able to shake it since. The last few days I have been so angry and hurt and upset and sad. I feel like it's the day Aiden died all over again. I keep re-living it every morning.
Even as I'm typing this, I am so frustrated because the spell checker has Aiden's name underlined in red because it's not in their dictionary. I would love to punch whoever is in charge of the spell checker.
I'm in the middle of reading "Choosing to SEE" by Mary Beth Chapman. It is an amazing book. She is so honest and upfront about her and Steven's life. I love their story. It reminds me a lot of me and Ben's. They met and married young. They got pregnant right away. It's neat to read her point of view and be totally blunt with their struggles and crazy roller coaster of a life because we have much of the same story.
What hurts so much is that she is able to put it all together and she sees the big picture. Although I know what the big picture is and I could explain it detail by detail, I don't feel it right now.
I am so overwhelmed with grief and trauma that I can't even make myself go to work. I can't check people out and say "Happy New Year" when it's not a happy one for me.
Ben said it so clearly. "I don't know how to move on." And I think that's exactly how I feel. I really don't know how to live life anymore. I go to work, pay the bills, watch tv, read books, hang out with family, see friends... But no one knows what's going on deep down.
I'm fairly certain that people think it IS time to move on for us. But it's not! It seems to only be getting harder as the days pass on and I'm starting to lose my breath. It seems like all of my friends have slowly faded away because it's time for them to continue living their lives, which is totally normal! But we can't do that. We don't know how. And the strange thing is... I don't know that anyone can even be here for us and help us live. What can they do anyway?
I'm struggling so much to socialize and see people. I don't even know what I want or need. All I know is tears right now. They just keep coming everyday and there is no way to stop them.
"Don't you know the sun will shine on you again? No matter how small the flame against the darkness don't you know the light will win?"
We really love you guys! I hate that this has happened and I can't really offer a solution to your pain. I don't know how or when but somehow God will heal your hurts. I have cried so many times for you both and wish that in some ways I could bear some of your burden but I know I can't. I will always be praying for you.
ReplyDeleteMy dear friend...please know that you are very precious to me and the memories we have shared are oh so valuable to the person I am. I want to tell you that the time table of your grieving is not for others to judge. God will heal your pain in His perfect time. I can't begin to understand the blinding pain you've experienced and I know that there will be good days and bad but please know that although others may be going on with their lives, you and Ben are continually being lifted up in prayer.
ReplyDeletelove you both....D-i-double T-mer
Amy, It takes an incredibly strong person to be able to share their story with the world like you are doing. I hope that writing your blog will/is serving as a form of therapy in itself. I cherish your friendship and know that God had His hand in us staying in touch, as there are many other people from work at FD's that I have completely lost touch with. I still think it's funny to remember that that's how we really met, because it feels like I've known you forever. I may be far away when John and I move, but I am always just a phone (or skype) :) call away!
ReplyDeleteYou and Ben are an amazing couple, and I know God has great plans for you two. I pray that He will bear the weight of your struggle, so that you may both be lifted up.
Amy, I want you to KNOW that everything you are going through is absolutely normal. All your feelings. YOU are perfectly and wholly normal and don't you DARE allow anyone to tell you different. The world doesn't understand you. They stand back with quivering lips and pitiful eyes just searching for the right thing to say. They say the best thing they can come up with and have every good intention in their heart but everything that comes out falls short of anything meaningful in your eyes. You've heard it all before, read it all before, even probably have said it all before, but now it's all empty. Nobody understands. It is not time to move on. It is never time to move on. Aiden IS your son. He will ALWAYS be your son, no matter how much time passes. And even though your heart will heal, it WILL heal, it will never be time to "move on". Don't feel like you ever have to be at a certain place in your journey of grief. Grief is a personal journey between you and God and nobody can write that story for you. Please please know that I am here for you anytime you need someone to talk to. I know your pain, I'm walking it. Though two different stories, we unfortunately have a lot in common. We both have a son that we can't hold. We both have hopes and dreams that will never get to shine. And we both have a hole in our heart that will never be filled. We are different people than we used to be and we can't expect ourselves to be the same as before. We will change and grow into new creatures of grace, but we can never go back. And sometimes that will be a good thing. Don't be too hard on yourself and allow yourself to feel. Don't be afraid of it or run away. Embrace this time of brokeness for it is in those times that we learn the most about the very heart of God. Much love and prayers.
ReplyDelete