Wednesday, March 9

Get Over It

Two nights ago I sat down to spend time with the Lord. After a long weekend with friends, I was decompressing and trying to get refocused for the week.

I felt the Lord tell me to read John 16.

[Jesus saw that they wanted to ask him about this, so he said to them, “Are you asking one another what I meant when I said, ‘In a little while you will see me no more, and then after a little while you will see me’? Very truly I tell you, you will weep and mourn while the world rejoices. You will grieve, but your grief will turn to joy. A woman giving birth to a child has pain because her time has come; but when her baby is born she forgets the anguish because of her joy that a child is born into the world.  So with you: Now is your time of grief, but I will see you again and you will rejoice, and no one will take away your joy.  In that day you will no longer ask me anything. Very truly I tell you, my Father will give you whatever you ask in my name.  Until now you have not asked for anything in my name. Ask and you will receive, and your joy will be complete.]
John 16:19-24

I've seem to have put a certain expectation on myself. I feel that some of it is inflicted by society and some on my own. Either way - most of time if you have an expectation, you'll probably get disappointed.

I had this idea that after a certain point I wouldn't feel the pain anymore, but that I would just be joyful and appreciative of the time we got to spend with Aiden. But after months, the pain is still very real. I wake up in the middle of the night from scary and weird dreams, I cry often, he's constantly on my mind, he shows up everywhere!

After I read this, I was a bit more frustrated with myself. This idea of JOY... what does it even mean? The Scripture says the anguish of pain will be gone when the child is born. That's true! The labor pain is gone and far away once you get to hold that fresh, new baby.

But what about the anguish that returns after your baby is no longer living?

I've fought myself over and over again to try to understand this.

When do you ever stop caring for your children? When do you forget your children? When do you stop being a mom?


Never, ever would I get over this. There is no "getting over it" when it comes to your kids.

If you're a mom -- think of it this way: Would you just suddenly wake up one day and just forget that you have a child? Of course not!

I have to stop expecting myself to "get over this" or move on or whatever... You can't move on from your children.

Do I have to get out of bed everyday? Yes. Do I need to live life to the fullest and strive after God's will? Yes. Do I have to be happy?.... No.

Happiness is fleeting. It could change just by tripping over something.

I am working on JOY, the eternal happiness... the kind that is a deep feeling in your soul that calms and assures you that the Lord is good, even when you can't breathe.

[In the LORD I take refuge.
   How then can you say to me:
   “Flee like a bird to your mountain.
 For look, the wicked bend their bows;
   they set their arrows against the strings
to shoot from the shadows
   at the upright in heart.
 When the foundations are being destroyed,
  what can the righteous do?”

  The LORD is in his holy temple;
   the LORD is on his heavenly throne.
He observes everyone on earth;
   his eyes examine them.
 The LORD examines the righteous,
   but the wicked, those who love violence,
   he hates with a passion.
 On the wicked he will rain
   fiery coals and burning sulfur;
   a scorching wind will be their lot.

  For the LORD is righteous,
   he loves justice;
   the upright will see his face.]

Psalm 11

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  1. This post make a lot of sense to me. Who would EVER expect you to "get over this"??
    That is insane to me. Unfortunately it is a pain that I imagine you will carry with you always. That just means you are a loving, caring Mother and a human being.
    I hope that no one ever makes you feel like you cant grieve over or think about your beautiful Son. You are and always will be a Mother and will know the joy and pain of this particular situation.
    You cannot have nor should anyone else have the expectation that you are made of steel and stone. I wish you joy and happiness and the benefit of enjoying all wonderful things God and the world bring to your life, but that doesnt mean you have to "move on" from the loss of your Son.
    I think its wonderful you are sharing these feelings, I am sure there are women out there battling with these emotions. I myself have asked over and over how I would feel, what I would do and I just cant begin to imagine. By sharing you are enlightening a lot of us and I am sure it is therapeutic as well.

  2. Amy, the dignified and honest manner in which you grieve, and the grace with which you grieve, bring honor and glory to the Holy Spirit evident within you.
    The Lord IS in his holy temple.
    The Lord IS on his heavenly throne.
    I like that psalm because it says : God really is God, so why should I be dismayed?