Most women get a case of postpartum depression after their sweet bundle of joy arrives. Stress, sleep deprivation, an extended stay at home, and a crying infant can surely induce some depression.
I was given the book "Empty Cradles, Broken Heart". In the book there are some chapters discussing subsequent pregnancy and children. This topic has been so heavy on my heart lately. It has really hit me with the heaviness of this pregnancy. Not to mention our "year" mark is coming up for Aiden's birth and death. It's so hard because I don't ever want it to come. I don't want to think about the fact that it's been a whole year without Aiden and that I still feel like it happened four hours ago.
My heart still hurts.
Being pregnant this time around has put me in a very vulnerable state. I have learned that ignorance is bliss. Experiencing all the "firsts" of pregnancy are so fun! Such joyful memories and special times with your baby and your family. But not many pregnant women have to deal with pain of loss.
I feel like a ticking time bomb walking around. I know people have a million questions they want to ask and have certain assumptions about the way I must feel. It's so hard to not assume people are being judgmental. I feel like I'm under a microscope.
I know that keeping myself relaxed and calm during this pregnancy is so important. Staying healthy is my main goal. But it's so difficult to try to relax and enjoy this when I'm fighting so many fears and doubt and pessimism. This baby deserves all my dreams and love and attention. This baby needs our excitement and anticipation. But I find myself holding back all of that. And I don't want to do that to this baby.
I haven't thought so far as to how to deal with the birth or having the baby at home or anything. All I can do is take it one step at a time. One hour at a time. I can't let myself obsess about the care of this next baby or the nursery or how to raise this child. All I can do is take every morning to put all of my fears, anxieties, doubts, and dreams in the hands of Jesus and pray that He gives me the strength and courage to live this one day the way He wants me to.
I know that losing Aiden is the hardest thing I will ever have to go through, but this pregnancy is probably a close second.
"These things I have spoken to you, that in Me you may have peace. In the world you will have tribulation; but be of good cheer, I have overcome the world." -John 16:33